What’s the next duel after ”Batman vs. Superman”?
Call it the movie mash-up. In the spirit of those bootleg mixes that combine songs by, say, Destiny’s Child and Nirvana, Hollywood has found its latest sure-thing formula: jamming two franchises together in one movie. ”Batman vs. Superman,” ”Aliens vs, Predator,’ and, yes, ”Freddy vs. Jason” are all on the way. We anticipate more death matches to come, so here are some helpful suggestions:
BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER VS. BLADE
THE STARS Sarah Michelle Gellar and Wesley Snipes
THE PLOT Ever dedicated to destroying his own kind, fearsome half-vampire Blade gets word that a small town in California has a persistent vamp problem. He touches down in Sunnydale, where he’s immediately mistaken for an ordinary bloodsucker by Buffy Summers. The two clash, exchanging gunfire and karate kicks, and then realize that they share a common goal – and that they’re both way cute. A steamy, R-rated love affair and many slayings follow.
WHO WINS THE FIGHT? Blade (hey, he gets the beautiful girl)
TERMINATOR VS. ROBOCOP
THE STARS Arnold Schwarzenegger and Peter Weller
THE PLOT The year is 2020. The nuclear apocalypse threatened in the ”Terminator” movies still hasn’t come to pass, but criminals in the dystopian city of Detroit are desperate to stop their scourge, the half-man, half-machine RoboCop. Using scavenged parts from the Terminator’s previous visits, they create a brand-new killer and program it to destroy RoboCop. The two robotic avengers clash, but ultimately become roommates and trade metal-polishing tips.
WHO WINS THE FIGHT? Terminator
MEN IN BLACK VS. E.T.
THE STARS Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones, Henry Thomas, Drew Barrymore
THE PLOT Lovable alien E.T. returns to earth to visit his adoptive family, but neglects to go through customs. The ever-vigilant Men in Black find out, and decide the big-footed lawbreaker must be executed. Poor E.T. is initially helpless in the face of the MIBs’ heavy weaponry, but the now-adult Elliott and Gertie take up arms to fight the intruders. Eventually, E.T. abandons his pacifist-gardener stance and learns to enjoy the taste of blood. That sunflower dies again.
WHO WINS THE FIGHT? Men in Black
ROCKY VS. RAMBO
THE STARS A digitally doubled Sylvester Stallone
THE PLOT Angry Vietnam vet John Rambo is too old to return to Afghanistan and blow up terrorists, so he decides to vent his frustration by taking up boxing. He visits a local gym, but the owner, former heavyweight champ Rocky Balboa, asks him to remove his ammunition belt before entering. Rambo refuses, and comes back an hour later armed with an AK-47. They clash. No one ever comments on their resemblance.
WHO WINS THE FIGHT? Rambo
YODA VS. SPOCK
THE STARS Frank Oz, Leonard Nimoy
THE PLOT An aging Spock leaves the crew of the Enterprise and begins traveling the galaxy on his own. Along the way, he stumbles through one of those space/time warps, and finds himself in the distant past – and in a galaxy far, far away. He crash-lands on a swampy planet, where he meets a grumpy green alien. The pair spend the rest of the movie comparing the Vulcan and Jedi philosophies; eventually, they die of boredom. Luke Skywalker arrives for Jedi training, and finds two pointy-eared corpses instead. The Empire triumphs.
WHO WINS THE FIGHT? Draw