Do we watch reality television for precious insight into the human condition? Please. We watch for those awkward scenes that make us feel a smidge better about our own little unfilmed lives. Here are this year’s top 10 cringe-inducing moments.
THE REAL WORLD: LAS VEGAS
What Happened After Frank confesses his crush on Trishelle to new friend Steven, Steven and Trishelle sloppily make out while straddling a stunned Frank.
Upshot Imagine your worst humiliation…happening three inches in front of your face. Now imagine it on national TV. Enjoy that fetal position!
CELEBRITY BOOT CAMP
What Happened Private Kato Kaelin gets one phone call – and he misdials. Instead of redialing, he uses up his time chatting to a complete stranger.
Upshot At least we slept easier knowing he’s not really in the Army, and therefore has no role in national security.
BIG BROTHER 3
What Happened It’s rock & roll rebel Sheryl Crow performing live!…in the ”Bi
g Brother 3” backyard.
Upshot The only bigger sellout would be if Crow danced for the ”1900 House” family while they threw buffalo nickels at her.
What Happened After John pricks his hand on a sea urchin, tribemate Kathy pees on him to soothe his pain.
Upshot This lesson on urine’s healing powers showed what ”Jackass” would’ve been like on the Discovery Channel.
THE BACHELOR 2
What Happened After knowing Aaron for mere days, woo-prone Christi weeps over how much she loves him.
Upshot That Smell-O-Vision is no more didn’t stop the stench of desperation from pouring out of TVs everywhere.
CELEBRITY BOXING 2
What Happened Screech (Dustin Diamond) mercilessly pummels wild-eyed geek rival Horshack (Ron Palillo) until he’s a confused, bruised mess.
Upshot The highs of an ”E! True Hollywood Story” meet the lows of a snuff film.
THE GLUTTON BOWL
What Happened Fox celebrates the sport of competitive eating as contestants chow down bowls of mayonnaise, sticks of butter, and bull testicles; a small Japanese man gobbles up 53 cow brains to claim the trophy.
Upshot Answers the question: What if Fox execs swallowed their pride and then threw it up all over us?
What Happened A faraway camera catches Prince of Darkness Ozzy feebly falling backward out of his chair and onto the floor.
Upshot Only an ”America’s Funniest Home Videos” shot of Bob Dylan taking a softball in the crotch could have induced more shameful glee.
THE ANNA NICOLE SHOW
What Happened Pick any moment from this borderline catatonic’s misguided sex-kitten act: The plus-size model was hopped-up on fudge and self-delusion on a weekly basis.
Upshot Wanted: old, rich guy to marry Ms. Smith and take her off our television sets ASAP.
What Happened Contestants are forced to partake in the ultimate weenie roast: a smorgasbord of bull, deer, elk, and water buffalo penises.
Upshot We feel your pain, but, jeez, only one penis each? You guys would never cut it on ”The Glutton Bowl!”