1 THE BEATLES Five hundred tapes missing since the ’70s have been recovered. With long-lost songs like ”I’m Quitting” and ”Get Yoko Out of Here.”
2 THE BACHELORETTE A woman gets to choose a potential mate from 25 single men. If it actually were a reality show, she’d be meeting 25 ”recently separated” men.
3 SUPER BOWL The pinnacle of couch potatoism. Forget the teams; it’s the person who moves the least and eats the most who wins.
4 AMERICAN IDOL 2 Ah, sweet memories. Who will forget the first time Simon said to them, ”You stink. Get out of the business”?
5 TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL After nine seasons it’s going where all TV dramas go to die. The Lifetime channel.
6 THE $41 HAMBURGER That’s the tab at one New York City steak house for its hand-massaged, beer-fed beef. So, let me get this straight – you’re a cow masseuse?
7 KANGAROO JACK No humans were hurt during the making of this film. How unfortunate.
8 SURVIVOR: THE AMAZON On the latest version, the two tribes will be split up by sex. Type or quantity?
9 OCEAN’S TWELVE They’ve decided to make a sequel to Ocean’s Eleven. What do they rob this time? Frank Sinatra’s tomb?
10 COWBOY POETRY They ride into Elko, Nevada/In pickup trucks and what have ya/They sing of life on the range/But isn’t it strange?/They mostly raise emus and alpacas.
11 DARKNESS FALLS A man tries to save his childhood sweetheart from an evil that has lurked in his small town for generations. The phone company.
12 SUNDANCE FILM FESTIVAL Where small, independent filmmakers go to show their stuff. And where big studios go to screw them.
13 JENNIFER ANISTON The actress broke her toe on some furniture. She was unfamiliar with her dining room because she’d never been in it before.
14 JAMES BOND Some say it was racist to make the weapons-crazy, egomaniacal bad guy in Die Another Day a North Korean. Yeah, right – sounds more like a Canadian.
15 NATIONAL SECURITY Two bumbling security guards who hate each other must work together. The writer got the idea during an airport baggage search.
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