1 Michael Jackson The King of Publicity is back on top with a TV bio and a Sotheby’s lawsuit. He must own stock in the supermarket tabloids.
2 Jackie Chan The action star says he’s finally started to use a double for some of his more difficult stunts. Like speaking English.
3 Valentine’s Day Or, as men call it, National Greeting Card and Rose Grower Support Day.
4 Hummer H2 The 8-mile-per-gallon, $50,000 minitanks are all the rage. When you absolutely, positively have to get the kids to a soccer match in Baghdad.
5 Courtney Love She was arrested after allegedly causing a frightening disturbance on a flight to London. She started singing.
6 Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show It’s like the Academy Awards for dogs. The main difference is they can’t give long, boring thank-you speeches.
7 Joe Millionaire One of the himbo’s potential brides has appeared in bondage movies. So he asked her if she got to meet Pierce Brosnan.
8 A.U.S.A. An NBC comedy about assistant U.S. attorneys. Trampling your rights has never been funnier.
9 Vladimir Putin Some Russians say their leader looks like Dobby the house elf in the latest Harry Potter film. They have all been arrested.
10 Garry Kasparov He’s tied two-all in a six-game match against a computer. But the fix is in – a computer’s keeping score.
11 Jerry Springer He may run for the U.S. Senate. He’s already been endorsed by the Association of Dysfunctional Children of Obese Cross-Dressers Without Partners.
12 Wedding pics Mr. and Mrs. Michael Douglas are suing a magazine for running unauthorized shots of their wedding. They weren’t too happy with that DJ either.
13 TRL awards MTV’s Total Request Live is giving awards to people who get the most requests. Live! Whoever thought of that should get an award.
14 Wesley Snipes A mortgage company is suing him for late payments on his mansion. Who’s his business manager, MC Hammer?
15 The Doors The band plans to tour again with Ian Astbury of the Cult doing Morrison. If you go, remember: It’s traumatic for kids to see their grandparents in leather pants.
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