1 Daredevil Ben Affleck stars as a blind superhero whose other senses have become heightened. Like his fashion sense.
2 ”For your consideration” Now the tacky, disgusting, and unseemly studio campaigns begin to turn an Oscar nod into an Oscar win. Wouldn’t this be the perfect place to run those ads?
3 Joe Millionaire Finally, we see him tell the woman he’s strung along for five weeks that he isn’t a millionaire. And she’ll reveal she’s not really a brain surgeon.
4 Sex and the City HBO is cleaning up episodes to sell to the major networks. Or they could leave them alone and sell them to Fox.
5 The Godfather Returns Little-known writer Mark Winegardner will pick up where Mario Puzo left off. Can Fredo come back too?
6 Bathroom TVs The latest trend: a flat-screen over your tub. What do you do during commercials – go to the living room?
7 Presidents’ Day The holiday when we honor our past presidents….of Bloomingdale’s and Saks.
8 Jimmy Kimmel Live Other networks won’t let their stars go on ABC’s new show. It’s time to quit when Justin Guarini passes.
9 Harry Potter At $29.99, the next book will be the highest-ever cover price for a children’s novel. Who has mor disposable income than an 11-year-old?
10 The Razzie noms The nods pit Britney against Madonna for the Worst Actress of the Year award. It isn’t fair – Madonna should be up for a Lifetime Achievement award.
11 M.C. Hammer The WB is developing a sitcom based on his life. There’s nothing more screamingly funny than going bankrupt.
12 Jesse Ventura He’s reportedly signed a $2 million deal to do a nightly talk show for MSNBC. Right now he’s learning the difference between Iraq and The Rock.
13 Michael Jackson He says he still likes to share his bed with little boys, he feeds his son under a veil, and he had his nose trimmed to sing better. Hard to believe he’s still single.
14 The swimsuit issue SPORTS ILLUSTRATED features those underappreciated female athletes: semi-naked models. When will we come to our senses and make posing an Olympic sport?
15 Who Wants to Be a Billionaire? A proposed WB special boasts a grand prize of a billion dollars. The first contestant to take over a small Latin American country wins.