1 Agent Cody Banks Frankie Muniz stars as a teenage secret agent. He has a learner’s permit to kill.
2 60 Minutes Bill Clinton and Bob Dole kicked off the first of 10 debates. Week 2’s topic: ”Does our debating still suck?”
3 James Gandolfini The head Soprano reportedly wants a $350,000-per-episode hike to appear in the fifth season. To raise the money, HBO is starting a prostitution and gambling unit.
4 Letterman The Late Show host has been out sick for a long time. Maybe instead of celeb guest hosts, he should get a doctor?
5 Spring break What’s the difference between spring break and college? One’s a bunch of binge drinking and carefree sex, the other’s a week at the beach.
6 Mel Gibson The Lethal Weapon/Braveheart star has reportedly built his own Catholic church in Malibu. It’s called Our Lady of the Perpetual Box Office.
7 Gung ho Republicans have changed the name of french fries served in House cafeterias to ”freedom fries.” If that doesn’t stop terrorism, what will?
8 Willard Lonely psycho Crispin Glover uses vicious man-eating rats to avenge his tormentors in this remake of the 1971 horror film. The feel-good movie of 2003?
9 Celine Dion She’ll be in the same Vegas casino almost every night for three years. She, and 30 or 40 thousand other people.
10 First day of spring They say you can get a raw egg to stand on its end on the vernal equinox. Yeah – if you stick it in the snow.
11 The Hunted Benicio Del Toro is a hunter hunting hunters. The climax comes when his taxidermist turns him in.
12 March Madness You really want basketball madness? Make the team with the highest grades the winner.
13 Bridget Fonda and Danny Elfman The actress and composer are engaged. They plan to have three children – two screenwriters and a director.
14 Mafia Doctor The TV-movie story of a man who lets the Mob pay for his education in return for his medical services. He’s hoping that most of them will never need a gynecologist.
15 Oprah She’s bringing her book club back, but this time with the classics. Homer’s agent is so much easier to work with than Jonathan Franzen’s.
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