0:01 The broadcast opens with a montage of memorable lines from previous Best Picture winners. Gladiator’s contribution: ”Cling! Clang! Sheeth!”
0:08 Host Steve Martin makes the first of the evening’s nearly 2,000 ”Halle Berry is hot” jokes.
0:15 Martin unveils a Brady Bunch-esque grid of all the audience members he’s slept with. Snaring the coveted center square: an unnervingly grinny Ernest Borgnine.
0:30 Best Art Direction winners John Myhre and Gord Sim make the inaugural jog through Chicago’s densely packed, smooch-intensive throng, led by an easily excitable Richard Gere.
0:33 Bosomy buddies Catherine Zeta-Jones and Queen Latifah perform the Chicago duet ”I Move On.”
0:40 During a commercial break, Peter Jennings delivers a sobering update on the war.
0:43 Mickey Mouse appears on stage, much to the chagrin of a similarly bespectacled Martin Scorsese.
1:07 Best Supporting Actress nominee Zeta-Jones wins…
1:08 …and wins again, thanks to the apparently TiVo-inspired ”Sounds of Oscar” instant replay.
1:14 A shiny-faced, nonplussed Ben Affleck shrugs off Martin’s quip about J. Lo’s nips.
1:49 Just seconds after heralding Michael Moore with a standing ovation, many of the show’s A-list stars look on in shock and awe as the director decries the ”fictitious” President Bush.
1:54 Conrad W. Hall raises the Best Cinematography Oscar to the sky, in honor of his late father, Conrad L. Hall.
1:58 In the ”Oscar Winners Talk About What It’s Like Being Oscar Winners” montage, Tommy Lee Jones creepily rasps ”Happy 75th anniversary, little dude” to his Fugitive statue.
2:11 Dudley Moore wins the ”Death Montage Applause-o-Meter” during the ”In Memoriam” presentation.
2:18 Best Actor presenter Halle Berry takes the stage. We hear she’s hot.
2:21 After his name is called for the Best Actor award, a stunned Adrien Brody appears to stammer ”Holy shit.” Meanwhile, a still-in-character Daniel Day-Lewis can only manage an ”Aye, shite.”
2:31 Eminem wins Best Original Song for 8 Mile’s ”Lose Yourself.” The statue is happily accepted by Doug Henning’s basketball-playing younger brother.
2:32 A bored-looking Cameron Diaz regresses into adolescence, smacking her gum and playing with her hair.
2:37 Peter O’Toole carefully inspects his honorary Oscar to make sure it’s not actually a wine decanter.
2:57 More than 50 previous Oscar winners are paraded out on stage. Shark-flick fans rejoice as Louis Gossett Jr. (Jaws 3-D) and Michael Caine (Jaws: The Revenge) make a rare joint public appearance.
3:23 Perennial snubee Martin Scorsese is the first to stand and applaud for Best Director winner Roman Polanski.
3:27 Chicago wins Best Picture, and a weary nation sighs in relief, confident that it will never have to hear the orchestra’s overly brassy rendition of ”All That Jazz” again.