Colin Farrell: Armando Gallo/Retna; Ozzy Osbourne: Aki/RetnaUK
Liane Bonin
April 09, 2003 AT 04:00 AM EDT

Should Colin Farrell play Ozzy Osbourne?

Things are looking up at the Osbourne household: Matriarch Sharon has received a clean bill of health after last year’s colon-cancer diagnosis, and Ozzy may soon be seeing himself (or a close facsimile) on the big screen. Paramount is reportedly in negotiations to adapt the rock star’s life story for a feature film. If the deal happens, Sharon is rooting for Johnny Depp to play her hubby. But in case he’s busy, we offer a few casting choices of our own:


Crispin Glover The Thin Man may not be a dead ringer for the meaty rocker, but he’s got the skewed attitude down pat (his middle name is Hellion, after all). Not only does Glover have a rep for embracing the dark side, his rat-filled flop ”Willard” is a nice warm-up for re-creating Ozzy’s infamous meeting with Epic Records executives, during which he chomped the head off a dove. Just pray serious actor Glover doesn’t go all Method on us.

Keanu Reeves Change the ”whoa” to a ”huh?” and he’s halfway there. Reeves definitely has the menacing charisma to pull off Ozzy’s stage show (if ”The Matrix” taught us nothing else, we know that Reeves wears his black latex with impressive aplomb). And if he can be even half as adorably befuddled as he was in ”Sweet November,” he’ll nail the whole sweet, sad, scary package that is Ozzy.

Colin Farrell He drinks, he smokes, he womanizes — he’s just a sleeve tattoo away from being a real rock star. You know he can belt out a song (nothing goes better with 10 or 20 pints of Guiness than a rendition of ”Crazy Train” with your pub buddies). And party-hardy Colin will undoubtedly inject some punch into Ozzy’s ”Sobriety f—in’ sucks!” motto.


Susan Sarandon Like Sharon, Sarandon’s a loving mom and wife, a fiesty redhead, and a tough chick who isn’t afraid to say what she thinks, like it or lump it. Heck, she’s even had Sharon’s haircut! Really, who better to play the toughest businesswoman in the rock industry than the gun-toting mama of ”Thelma and Louise”?


Sean Astin Okay, we’re not going to make the obvious Jack-as-hobbit joke, but slap a pair of glasses and a bad haircut on Astin and we’ve got twins. More than that, Astin has plenty in common with young Jack: He was exposed to the Hollywood spotlight early (he’s a former child actor), he’s got famous parents (”The Addams Family”’s John Astin and Patty Duke), and the clincher? He starred in ”The Goonies,” which is as good a subtitle for the Osbournes movie as we could imagine.


Amanda Bynes Bynes may be Nickelodeon sweet, but for all Kelly’s f—in’ nasty rants, the fledgling rocker’s still a teen who loves her mom and dad, shopping, makeup, and puppies — pretty much Bynes’ character in ”What a Girl Wants.” Watching the goody-goody actress swear a blue streak would just be icing on the cake.

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