1 HUGH GRANT He says he hates acting and really wants to take a break. Why couldn’t it be Madonna who feels that way?
2 PETER ARNETT NBC canned the venerable war reporter after he gave an interview to Iraqi television. Now he’s free to take his dream job – as a correspondent for al-Jazeera.
3 LISA MARIE She thinks Michael Jackson may have married her in a sleazy attempt to promote himself. Which she never revealed – until it was time to promote her own record.
4 RYAN SEACREST The American Idol host is getting his own show. It will be different in that it will be the only one that ever mentions him.
5 PHONE BOOTH Colin Farrell is trapped at a pay phone by a sniper. The same tactic being used to cast the next Superman.
6 LIMPBIZKIT The new name of the band formerly known as Limp Bizkit. The emphasis is no longer on the second, biz syllable, but instead on what a lame, lame change it is.
7 URBAN COWBOY the musical Hey, who knows more about mechanical-bull-ridin’ Texans than New York theater people?
8 ROLLING STONES The band canceled several concerts in Asia over concerns about the deadly SARS pneumonia. Damn, if Keith Richards is worried about his health, are any of us safe?
9 CHER: THE FAREWELL TOUR A TV special on the 56-year-old singer’s final gig before early retirement. Wait for the comeback special after she finds out Medicare won’t pay for butt lifts.
10 THE MASTERS The most prestigious U.S. golf tournament is played at a club that doesn’t allow female members. It’s okay for our women to fight in Iraq, they just can’t play golf in Georgia.
Keith Olbermann returns to MSNBC…’Crossing Jordan,’ ‘JAG,’
Keith Olbermann returns to MSNBC…’Crossing Jordan,’ ‘JAG,’ ‘Gilmore’ spin-offs in works