The Bachelor: Craig Sjodin
Liane Bonin
April 23, 2003 AT 04:00 AM EDT

Randy Andy has no rose for Liz

Let me just say that, once again, I am forever indebted to our Andy. I have learned so much from him, important things about inflatable rubber tires and wine and…inflatable rubber tires. Say, did you know one of the three ingredients for a smile was a steak well done? Me neither! This is really bad news for all you vegans out there.

Anyway, let’s get to the really important stuff: We should all be happy for Miss ”I have nothing LEFT” Liz, because now she can finally return to the maudlin Judy Garland musical she escaped from. I half expected the orchestra to kick in as she sobbed, ”I gave all my feelings to this!” I’m sorry to see Liz go only because I started looking forward to her gulping and twitching during each rose ceremony. This time around, I watched with lurid fascination as one side of her face rallied to smile bravely and the other froze like a bag of peas. Now I can say with some authority that, yes indeed, I have seen a girl who’s crushed, and if I see another one, I will call 9-1-1 on her behalf.

I kept wondering what Liz would have done if Cristina (known to me as Christina Whatever, based on her favorite expression) had actually accepted Liz’s offer to ”step away” from the group date with Andy — or, even better, if Cristina had gone stomping into Liz’s room looking for those things that needed breaking. Would Liz have nodded (and gulped and twitched), then retreated to her room for a secret ritual of self-flagellation and fasting? Or would the stress of suppressing her own desire for love have driven Liz to start the fistfight that Cristina has been begging for?

The idea that Cristina is sticking around for yet another week boggles the mind (like Eminem’s fashion line — available at Macy’s!). The only thing Cristina seems ready to do is slit the throats of the competition and chalk it up to an unfortunate hunting accident. Yes, she had the nerve to say what no one else would say, but that’s probably because none of the other contestants wants to look like a sulky fourth-grader on national TV.

Andy seems well aware that Little Miss Bitter has Issues with a capital I. (I love the way the editors cut from her vows to be more ”aggressive” to his fears that she might drag him to her parents’ house by his hair.) So maybe he wasted a rose on her because of his embarrassment over The Hot Tub Incident. The terribly misguided microphone placement seemed to indicate that both he and Cristina were suffering from some debilitating gastrointestinal tract ailment. She could have said almost anything, and he would have been thinking, ”Gee, I hope those bubbles aren’t coming from my side of the pool.”

As for this week’s other winners and losers, why don’t we cancel the rest of the show and let Andy grovel at Kirsten’s feet for a few hours? He seems to enjoy torturing himself by asking the other girls how much they hate Kirsten, as if their contempt for the former cheerleader is some kind of masochist’s aphrodisiac. Though I have yet to see Kirsten’s well-reported bitchiness, I’m starting to realize that, despite her exotic looks, she’s about as interesting as a sack of hair, which may make her a perfect fit for our Andy. And although I like Jen, I couldn’t tell her apart from Anne-Michelle, especially after Andy talked about how ”comfortable” they both were, as if these women were cotton boxer shorts or broken-in tassel loafers.

So next week I’m rooting for the air-kissing Tina, who is capable of donning a slinky backless dress before she snootily reminds Andy that she’ll never be his trophy wife. Taking his ”pimped out” watch may have been a dose of high school juvenilia, but that one simple action — which got under Kirsten’s skin and reduced Cristina to a mewling neurotic — made it clear that the glamour girl from Wisconsin will be providing the fun from now on.

What do you think of the latest episode of ”The Bachelor”?

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