Survivor Amazon: Monty Brinton/CBS
Dalton Ross
May 08, 2003 AT 04:00 AM EDT

The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire (Really!)

Man, has this season of ”Survivor” been horrible. The contestants, the challenges — all lame. I’m so psyched it will finally be over in just a few days and I can focus my attention on a REAL reality show, you know, like ”Mr. Personality.”

Okay, I don’t really mean any of that. It’s just that CBS has used so many of my fawning quotes on TV to promote the show that it makes it seem like I’m on Mark Burnett’s payroll. (I’m not, by the way, but Mark, feel free to hook me up with one of those Saturn Ions if you want. I promise not to make out with it like Matthew.) So I just thought before I got started with the column that I would throw a nice little dis in here to reassert my journalistic integrity. Okay, who am I kidding? I just practically begged a television producer for a new set of wheels, so let’s just move on.

NEWSFLASH! Heidi is a mastermind! Don’t believe me? Just ask her! That was one of the nonsensical nuggets dispensed by the celebrity Skeletor impersonator at Tribal Council, appearing just after proclaiming that ”I definitely deserve to be in the final two,” and just prior to assuring Jeff Probst that the three remaining male contestants were ”scared to death of her.”

Maybe of your looks, Heidi, but that’s it, as the three scaredy cats banded together to oust the resident genius. I don’t know what this woman was thinking, but it probably sounded something like this. [Cue sound of crickets chirping.] How many times have we seen a contestant brag at Tribal Council how safe or awesome they are only to immediately get the shaft? I count Roger, Deena, Alex, Christy, and now the Cyrptkeeper look-alike.

Why won’t these people keep their traps shut? Well, at least when they’re yapping they’re not burning down the Amazon. Self-proclaimed ”wood crazy nut” Butch seemed the most responsible for that inferno, but I forgive him for no other reason than he is perhaps the finest dancer I’ve seen since Boogalo Shrimp and Shabba Doo were cutting up the cardboard in the ”Breakin”’ franchise.

Still, Jenna seemed pretty upset, but can you blame her? After all, she ”had stuff that was, like, passed down for 5 years.” (I suppose that passes for a family heirloom when you’re a ”swimsuit model.”) I’d also like to know if the producers had a hand in containing that blaze. I know they’re not supposed to interfere, but at the same time, you’re not supposed to burn down an entire jungle either. My bet is they let everyone’s stuff burn down and then they put it out, which is fine by me? as long as everyone’s stuff burned down.

So now we’re down to the fearsome foursome of Matt, Butch, Rob, and Jenna. Tough to say who’s gonna win at this point. Firstly, because every time I predict a winner they get immediately voted out (see: Entertainment Weekly issue number 709), and secondly, it’s hard to gauge which way the jury would be leaning at this point.

I’m gonna go ahead and risk further humiliation and throw a name out there — because, well, getting humiliated is what I do — and that name is? Matthew. He’s winning almost every single challenge, hasn’t pissed anyone off in the jury, and has toned down the whole ”crazy man with a machete” act. Of course, I’m probably wrong, but then again, I’m no ”mastermind.”

Who do you think will win ”Survivor: The Amazon”?

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