David Lane: CBS
Dalton Ross
July 30, 2003 AT 12:00 PM EDT

The clown prince has left the building

Before I start with this week’s ”Big Brother 4” column, can someone get Erika a freakin’ Kleenex? Or make that about 9 billion Kleenex!!! What is with that woman? The wind blows and she starts sobbing like there’s no tomorrow. Speaking of no tomorrow, sorry, Dave — bummer to see you go. You drenched people who dared sleep in the hammock, tried to tackle the punching bag, and still managed to also talk a little smack in the diary room.

Still, better you than Jack. I mean, I was on the fence as to whom I’d rather see go until Jack made his comment that Dana ”has the sex appeal of a buzzard’s crotch.” Now, I don’t know buzzards’ crotches, but I do know a great line when I hear it. Even better than ”Man-troll,” if you ask me. There’s no way you can vote out a guy after a comment like that. And no way you can vote out a dude when he does a face plant after spinning around in a chair like a madman for 30 seconds.

But Jack wasn’t the only one entertaining us this week. We had Nathan not only winning the veto (thereby allowing him to wear the super-dope veto necklace. Man, if I won that thing I would NEVER take it off) but also actually using the darn thing. You had Alison getting drunk as a skunk and kissing Justin’s inner thigh in the hot tub. And then you had Man-troll…I mean Buzzard’s Crotch…I mean Dana repeatedly talking about she was the only one with ”the balls” to nominate her former alliance members.

A little less entertaining was Julie Chen’s bizarre sporting of a cocktail gown, the endless parade of bad homemade T-shirts giving shout-outs to friends back home, and the lame Burger King product placement. The suits at BK must have been pissing their pants when Dana started blabbing about how ”Burger King has the best french fries ever!”

And then there was the Head of Household competition. Dropping Ping-Pong balls? Dropping Ping-Pong balls?!? Wow, this was even worse than the trivia question competitions they keep resorting to. But at least the end result should be entertaining. Did you catch the look on Dana’s face when Alison won HOH? Priceless.

You have to figure Alison will put her ex-boyfriend and Buzzard’s Crotch up on the block. If it goes down like that, personally I hope Dana doesn’t get the boot…yet! She’s just too, well, insane! We need her around to keep yelling at people and talking about her balls. Hmmm? Balls? Buzzard’s crotch? Maybe Jack was onto something after all.

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