Survivor Pearl Island: Robert Voets/CBS
Dalton Ross
October 03, 2003 AT 04:00 AM EDT

Big Rupert rules; but is Osten a whiny quitter?

If you didn’t love Rupert for stealing the other team’s shoes five minutes into the game, and you didn’t love Rupert for sporting a funky tie-dyed shirt and skirt combo, and didn’t love Rupert for his periodic primal screams, then you love Rupert now. No, scratch that, you WORSHIP Rupert now! And how can you not after his glorious triumph over that bonehead Osten in the immunity challenge. Now, don’t get me wrong, Rupert is a big guy, but Osten? That dude is a brick house!

As Jeff Probst told me a few weeks back (some people I work with like to drop names like Nicole Kidman or Will Smith. I drop Probst. How lame is that?), Osten is the most built ”Survivor” contestant EVER. This guy lives in the gym and has muscles till Tuesday. In fact, it was his strength and alleged physical stamina that allowed him to avoid elimination last week, even after he asked people to freakin’ vote him off! So to watch him lose to Rupert was priceless. Will to win, baby! Will to win! Memo to the Morgan tribe: That’s what you get for keeping a quitter around.

You can also partially chalk up that reward challenge loss to Osten as well. First his boat starting drifting off in the middle of the sinking challenge, and then he sunk his own vessel by standing up in it! Classic, classic stuff. Of course, his idiot tribemates STILL didn’t vote him off after all this. That honor went to Lillian, who made the huge mistake of actually trying to catch some food for them to eat. How dare she?!?

Andrew promised her he’d let her know if her number was up, and then went back on his word, but how can you trust a guy walking around with stubble and a blazer with no shirt on. Dude, this isn’t ”Miami Vice”! You’re not freakin’ Sonny Crockett! I’ve also been slightly concerned about Andrew’s mental health ever since he described Osten as being an ”awesome, larger-than-life individual.” All I can say is, that must be one really pathetic life.

Even with Lill’s departure, this was a fantastic episode from start to finish. Not only were the challenges both great, but the juxtaposition between the two tribes is hilarious. I love when the cameras take you through the doom and gloom of Morgan and then all of a sudden the music gets all chipper and we go over and see the Drake folk who (petty squabbles over swimming ability aside) seem to be living it up with plenty of food and supplies and nary a whisper about strategy, because they don’t even have to vote anyone off! Usually Mark Burnett seems to gear challenges to even things out, and that may have been the case here with him figuring no one could outlast Osten, but this time having a distinct winners’ and losers’ circle is totally working.

And things look like they may not get much better for Morgan anytime soon, with previews for next week’s episode showing Osten yelling, ”I need help!” Dude, you have no idea.

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