1 J.K. ROWLING Harry Potter’s author earns eight times more than the queen of England. Yes, but who has the bigger office?
2 BEATLES NAKED The Let It Be album has been stripped of producer Phil Spector’s musical flourishes. You can hear things you never heard before. Like John snoring.
3 MINNIE DRIVER The actress says she will work in a Cambodian sweatshop for as long as it takes to bring awareness to the issue. Or to land a better part.
4 LOVE ACTUALLY Hugh Grant plays Britain’s prime minister. Right. What’s next, Arnold playing the governor of California?
5 RENEE ZELLWEGER She’s been offered $3.2 million by Weight Watchers to lose her Bridget Jones weight. She plans to spend it all at Subway.
6 CLONED MEAT The FDA says it seems okay. The cloned chicken tastes just like chicken. Funny, so do cloned beef and cloned pork.
7 ROD STEWART The elderly pop star thinks he gets unfairly trashed for marrying younger women when Paul McCartney did it too. Yeah, once.
8 SINEAD O’CONNOR She has just released what she says will be the last album of her career. Didn’t she do that three or four albums ago?
9 ELF An inexplicably happy human raised in Santa’s carefree workshop causes havoc when he comes to live in the real world. Based on the Robin Williams story.
10 GEEZER ROCK Stations playing oldies are now adding tunes from the ’70s to their playlists. The toughest birthday is the one that moves you from 18-34 to 35-death.