1 THE HAUNTED MANSION A movie based on the Disney ride. If it’s a hit, expect The Spinning Teacups next Thanksgiving.
2 CLAY AIKEN He ruffled PETA’s feathers when he said he didn’t love cats in an interview. Would he walk around with one on his head if he didn’t like them?
3 EMINEM He says racist remarks he recorded when he was a teen don’t reflect his views as a man. Now he pretty much hates everybody equally.
4 BREAD U.K. bakers say sales have fallen due to the Atkins diet. And not because it tastes like baked Sheetrock.
5 PARIS HILTON She says she’s thinking about changing her ways. The hard part won’t be changing. The hard part is thinking.
6 GAY MARRIAGE Don’t they know anything in Massachusetts? Marriage should be between unfaithful, skirt-chasing men and the needy, unhappy women who love them.
7 BAD SANTA Billy Bob Thornton gets jobs only at department stores so he can rob them. Or basically the same reason CEOs work at Fortune 500 companies.
8 SILVER BELLS More than two dozen radio stations around the country have switched to Christmas music 24/7. What were they playing before that got worse ratings? Mongolian folk music?
9 GREEN ONIONS Bunches have been banned from coming into this country from Mexico. Yeah, that has worked so well with marijuana and illegal immigrants.
10 TIMELINE Why would time travelers send themselves back to deadly, turbulent, plague-infested 14th-century France? I’m sorry, man, but your 9s look like 4s.