Don’t call it a comeback! Actually, on second thought, go right ahead. Basketball’s most notorious bad boy has been training for a return to the NBA. But before the five-time champion can once again wreak havoc on the court, he has some other sabotage to deal with, appearing as a contestant on ABC’s ”Celebrity Mole Yucatan.” Let’s see if he can rebound from some stupid questions.
This may be an awkward way to begin the interview, but how in God’s name are you still alive?
I have no f—ing idea. Seriously, I should be dead right now with all the crazy s— I’ve been doing lately.
I’m sorry, but I find it incredibly hard to believe you made it through all those teams and all those seasons in the NBA without wearing the number 69 on your uniform.
Believe me, I had them all printed up and the league told me: Hell, no. And if I come back this time, I am definitely gonna wear 69.
You got busy with Madonna for a while. How did it feel to follow in the footsteps of greats like Vanilla Ice and Jose Canseco?
Well, at least I was in the batter’s box a little longer.
Your role as basketball-pun-spouting arms dealer Yaz in 1997’s ”Double Team” won you three coveted Razzie awards for Worst New Star, Worst Supporting Actor, and – with Jean-Claude Van Damme – Worst Screen Couple. Yet your work two years later in ”Simon Sez” received no honors whatsoever. Were you prepared for such an intense Rodman backlash?
I’m always expecting the backlash with anything I do, dude. That’s how I became famous.
One reviewer on the Internet said he would rate ”Simon Sez” a negative 10. In the age of ”Kazaam,” isn’t that a little harsh?
No, that’s not harsh. I think that’s fair – a negative 10. Hell, yeah.
You seem incredibly sedate in the ”Celebrity Mole” episodes I’ve seen. Are you just hungover the entire time?
I probably had a few cocktails, but most of the shows I did, it was so damn hot that I had to, like, quench my thirst on something. I wasn’t really paying attention to what was going on with that damn show. I don’t even know what a f—ing mole is, to be honest with you.
At one point in the show, you refer to yourself as the ”Man of Love,” which is odd because I thought you were the ”Man Who Loves to Piss Off His Neighbors at Four in the Morning.”
Well, you’re right about that. My neighbors don’t like me at all.
You’ve fought with players and head-butted referees, but have you ever smacked around an entertainment journalist?
No, not really. They’re probably the coolest people I’ve hung around with. They just tell it like it is.
So, you’re not gonna come slap me silly or anything?
The only way I’m gonna come to you is if you wanna go party.