Josh Wolk
February 10, 2004 AT 05:00 AM EST

Drunk naked girls, drunk slurring guys

At the beginning of the Feb. 10 episode of ”The Real World,” I began to worry that we had another Kyle and Keri on our hands with Randy and Robin, right down to the same-first-letter names: an intrahouse relationship that never amounts to anything yet gets agonized over for every episode long after viewers have stopped being personally invested in it.

Fortunately, by episode’s end it no longer looked to be the case. (Although the next-week promo aroused fear that Brad and Cameran might be a potential trouble spot.) What we actually had was more of an Amaya/Colin ”Hawaii” situation, just a whole lot drunker and without the whole painful babytalk stage.

The episode began with a red herring: Frankie whining to her mother about how, with Dave having broken up with her, she wanted to come home because she had no friends and didn’t share the ”hang-out mentality” of her roomies. (Frankly, using the root word ”mental” in relation to anyone in that house is a stretch, as it implies some degree of brain use.) At first I sniffed at her snobbery, thinking her intolerant. But then the rest of the episode proved to be a little play dramatizing just how right she was not to want to hang out with the rest of the house.

Frankie tagged along as everyone went out; Robin said drinks were needed after her and Brad’s ordeal. And yet weren’t drinks the cause of said ordeal? I was trying to think of an analogy for this lesson-averse behavior, but it was so blatantly ignorant that all I could come up with was, ”This was like if some body really dumb did something really dumb.” You can’t break this stupidity down into any smaller parts: she belongs on the periodic table of idiocy.

Speaking of commonsense lessons, here’s one for Randy: don’t spoon with your drama-queen roommate if you don’t want drama. When Robin — whose body composition was at this point 83% tequila shot — saw him talking to someone else, she flipped out and made everyone leave the bar. In the car home she called him an ass and said she hoped he’d die. (”Words hurt!” said the protective Brad. We know they hurt you, buddy, and we know long division can be painful, too. Now, shhhh, you rest that tired little brain of yours.)

”I’m just flawed that this is how she wants to deal with this problem,” said Randy. Perhaps he meant ”floored,” and this was just his Boston accent coming through, but I’m from the Boston area and I have never heard it pronounced that egregiously. Even Brian from ”Average Joe: Hawaii” probably called him a Masshole on that one.

Robin then dealt with her pain the only way she knows how: First, she peed in the shower. (”She looks like the girl in the R. Kelly tape,” said Jacquese: let it be known that when I say the housemates are all idiots, I don’t include him, who is so funny and even-keeled that there must have been an administrative mixup in his casting.) Then she ran, wet and naked, into Randy’s empty bed. I think Robin learned mating rituals from watching Animal Planet. Needless to say, Randy went elsewhere to sleep.

The next morning, Robin seemed to have forgotten everything, although that night, once she rebalanced her liquor levels, she blew up at Randy again when he left the club with Cameran and Jamie when their fake IDs were taken away. (A little hint, girls: bouncers tend to be a little stricter when you’re accompanied by a camera crew.) Back at the house, Randy confessed that ”I’m kind of people need female companionship.” Because, of course, Randy was drunk. What happened during ”Real World” casting this year, anyway? With Trishelle’s popularity, did the producers think, ”Hey, you know that whole ‘growing and learning’ thing we like to pretend to foster? Apparently, ‘drinking and not thinking’ works a lot better for our castmates.”

Meanwhile, Frankie met Adam, a quiet, thoughtful guy who is apparently not quite thoughtful enough to see he should run far, far away from this house. They seemed like a cute couple, but the second Frankie mentioned her ”boyfriend” out of the blue, you knew the clearly smitten Adam was in for a season’s worth of heartache. Frankie wasn’t wrong in saying many of her housemates were tools? she just shouldn’t close the tool box without jumping inside herself.

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