Jim Mullen
February 20, 2004 AT 05:00 AM EST

Jim Mullen’s Hot Sheet for the week of Feb. 20, 2004

1 THE SIMPLE LIFE 2 Paris and Nicole have signed to do another one. This time they’ll go to a maternity ward and laugh at all the children whose parents are poorer than theirs.

2 DIANA ROSS The supreme diva will have to spend two days in jail on a DUI conviction. She’ll be the only inmate with a do-rag designed by Bob Mackie.

3 PRESIDENTS’ DAY SALES In honor of our leaders, crotchless underwear is half off at Victoria’s Secret.

4 YOUCH! Janet Jackson was wearing a metal nipple shield attached by a piercing. Shielding her from what? Another piercing?

5 50 FIRST DATES Drew Barrymore forgets she has met Adam Sandler after each date. If only every woman he ever dated were so lucky.

6 SKIRTS ON MEN A group of 100 skirt-wearing men marched for acceptance in Manhattan last week. Where a much larger crowd of ball-gown-wearing men made fun of them.

7 NBA ALL-STAR GAME Where the hell did they find 24 stars?

8 GAY MARRIAGE A Massachusetts court says gays have the right to get married. Why shouldn’t homosexuals have a chance to be as miserable as straight people?

9 MIKE TYSON According to bankruptcy records, the boxer who earned more than $200 million during his career had only $5,553 in his bank account as of Dec. 31. His advisers want to know how he hid that $5,553 from them.

10 THE FRIENDLY SKIES A pilot on an L.A.-N.Y. flight asked all the Christians to raise their hands. So that’s how they decide whose luggage to lose.

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