Jim Mullen
March 19, 2004 AT 05:00 AM EST

Jim Mullen’s Hot Sheet for the week of March 19

1 MARTHA STEWART Guilty on all four counts. ”Don’t slam the cell door, I’ve got a souffle in the toilet!”

2 SECRET WINDOW Writer Johnny Depp is terrorized by another author, who thinks he’s been stealing his work. ”Oh, my God! Run for your lives! It’s a writer!”

3 AMISH IN THE CITY Despite objections, UPN says it still plans to follow a group of suddenly liberated Amish teens around. In episode 1 they go to Jimmy Choo to buy horseshoes.

4 WATER ON MARS What’s really mind-boggling is that it will probably cost less than bottled water from France.

5 DAVID CROSBY Police say marijuana, a gun, and two knives were found in his luggage. The scariest part is that no one found any underwear.

6 JAYSON BLAIR The disgraced reporter phoned me to say how sorry he was about fabricating stories for The New York Times. Not really, I just made that up. Can I get a book deal?

7 HARRY POTTER Author J.K. Rowling said ”never say never” when asked if there’d be an eighth wizard book. Knowing her, she has the first 6,000 pages already written.

8 DIANA TAPES Her Royal Whineness complains no one in Buckingham Palace would help her. When she asked for the number of the suicide hotline, they told her to dial J-U-M-P.

9 DIANE RICHIE Lionel’s soon-to-be ex wants $300,000 a month in living expenses. Still, if she eats leftovers and shops at Goodwill she can make ends meet.

10 MCDONALD’S The fast-food chain has done away with super-sizing. Now someone will sue for letting them buy food more than three times a day.

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