Survivor All-Star: Monty Brinton/CBS
Dalton Ross
April 02, 2004 AT 05:00 AM EST

Ding-dong, the witch is dead! (Well, GONE anyway)

HALFTIME! Nine contestants down, nine contestants left. And what, loyal readers, have we learned so far in ”Survivor: All-Stars”? We’ve learned it rains a lot in Panama. We’ve learned that it’s hard to play golf while on a boat. And we’ve learned this — LEX IS A FREAKIN’ IDIOT!!! Hmmm, let’s see. First, he voted out the two most physically imposing specimens of his tribe before the merge, and then he goes and gets shaken down by Boston Rob after the immunity challenge. ”You take care of her, I’ll take care of you,” Rob told the tattooed one about his girlfriend Amber. AND THE MORON BOUGHT IT!!!

Dude, you had a chance to get rid of one of the other tribe members AND take out your biggest competition’s biggest ally. Figure it out! Instead, you shot one of your teammates in the head. ”I do think I can exploit the favor to my advantage,” Lex said. Guess what? You can’t! This wasn’t just dumb. This was epic dumb. And — I never thought I’d write these words — but poor, poor Jerri. What did she do to deserve being ousted? besides being cranky? and lazy? and pretty much on the constant verge of a mental breakdown?

But I don’t think Manthey was even the most bummed out person in the last episode. No, that honor would have to go to Mark Burnett. I can just see him in a production meeting: ”I’ve got this great idea, guys. We’ll have the members all pick new buffs and completely switch up the teams. It will throw all the old alliances out the window. Everyone will be scrambling. It will be great!” Whoooops! What are the odds that EVERY SINGLE PERSON would pick the opposite tribe’s buff, leaving Amber to take the very last Chapera one? (And whatever happened to Mogo Mogo’s unused jar of paint? Can I buy that on eBay or something?)

Honestly, I was pretty bummed about the sameness of the new tribes too. A bigger shake-up would have served the show well. While it’s been nice to see heavyweights like Colby and Hatch duke it out, everyone for the most part has been too? well, nice. Sure, there have been a few small dust-ups here and there, but outside of Rob calling out and demolishing Ethan in every challenge imaginable, no serious throw-downs as of yet. (Alicia, get finger-wagging, pronto!) Even Jerri didn’t blow a gasket upon being told she was a goner. Sure, smuggle some beef jerky and she’ll flip out, but send her packing and it’s all good in the hood.

QUICK, WHICH PAST SURVIVOR CONTESTANT ONCE REFERRED TO HIMSELF AS MR. FREEZE? Sorry, that’s my lame contribution to the ”Survivor” history quiz. (The answer is Brian from Thailand, by the way.) I usually hate when they trot out weak trivia games for challenges, as they usually provide no tension whatsoever, but this one was actually kind of fun — even though I tanked it. I’ve only missed one episode of ”Survivor” ever, and that was only due to the birth of my son (don’t think I don’t make him pay for that EVERY SINGLE DAY OF HIS LIFE!!!), yet I still managed to only go 8-3 on the quiz.

Maybe I don’t test well. Or maybe I’m just a moron like my man Sexy Lexy. In any event, the quiz was cool, if for no other reason than the fact that we got to see that skater idiot Robb choking the hell out of hillbilly Clay. I could watch that all day on a continuous loop and be happy. But not as happy as Boston Rob once he finds out that he can actually tell the other tribe who to vote and not vote out at Tribal Council. As if that dude needed anything else to be cocky about.

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