Jim Mullen
April 09, 2004 AT 04:00 AM EDT

Jim Mullen’s Hot Sheet for the week of April 9, 2004

1 CRUISE MINUS CRUZ If history tells us anything, it’s that Tom and Penelope will both move on to happy, lifelong, monogamous relationships with other people in show business.

2 WALKING TALL The Rock returns to his small town and starts cleaning out the bad guys. Bringing all the high standards of professional wrestling to law enforcement.

3 WHAM! There’s talk of making a musical based on their hits. The good news is the show is only 15 minutes long.

4 PASSOVER The eight-day remembrance of the Jews’ deliverance from Egypt. And from Mel Gibson fans.

5 RICHARD SIMMONS The exercise guru is accused of slapping a 255-pound Harley salesman at an airport. Who knew David Gest started selling Hogs?

6 THE OTHER MAN A book by former underwear model Michael Bergin, who claims he had an affair with JFK Jr.’s wife. And the thing she loved about him was his discretion.

7 THE PRINCE & ME Julia Stiles falls for a classmate who is secretly a real Royal Highness. What a funny idea. Why doesn’t Eddie Murphy do something like this?

8 DISNEY They raised the children’s admission at theme parks to around $50 a day. Some people complained, but I’ve paid more for day care, and their only ride was a plastic turtle.

9 FINAL FOUR NCAA teams play for big cash and huge prizes. Whoops! That would be unethical. I meant alumni endowments and scholarships.

10 HOME ON THE RANGE Animated barnyard animals try to save their owner’s farm. Then they plan to raise free-range organic humans for Las Vegas tiger acts.

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