Jim Mullen
April 16, 2004 AT 04:00 AM EDT

Jim Mullen’s Hot Sheet for the week of April 16, 2004

1 TVDD Attention deficit disorders have been linked to watching too much television. Bor-ing! Next item, please.

2 WILLIAM HUNG The fabulously atrocious American Idol contestant has released an entire album of his so-bad-it’s-funny music. Why not? It worked for Britney Spears.

3 BORED LETTERMAN BOY The kid seen fidgeting during Bush’s speech has become a political lightning rod. The Prez now supports an amendment to ban squirming during his speeches.

4 BOB DYLAN The music legend appears in new Victoria’s Secret ads. Yummy, every woman’s fantasy. Like 40 years ago.

5 THE ALAMO Billy Bob Thornton and 188 other men take on Santa Anna’s whole army. Incredibly brave? Yes. Incredibly smart? Nah.

6 WORST EPISODE EVER The voice talents of The Simpsons are on strike for higher wages. It’s so bad there’s talk of outsourcing the voice of Apu to India.

7 THE NICK & JESSICA VARIETY HOUR Good luck, but a variety show hasn’t worked on TV for over 25 years. Still, they have even less talent than Ed Sullivan — and look how well he did.

8 LEFT BEHIND In the best-selling series, believers are taken to heaven, leaving behind just their clothes. So, the more you leave your clothes on in life, the better your chances of leaving naked?

9 THE WHOLE TEN YARDS Dentist Matthew Perry and ex-hitman Bruce Willis team up again. Leading to this medical breakthrough — ”Would you like Novocain before I whack you?”

10 MISS USA A pageant where viewers judge women by the size of their breasts and the firmness of their buttocks. Unlike the rest of television, where it’s just the size of their breasts.

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