Josh Wolk
April 27, 2004 AT 04:00 AM EDT

Brad and Cameran hook up (finally!)

It?s been a heavy past couple of weeks on “The Real World,” what with Frankie?s cutting and the fake stalking and all. So the April 27 episode provided a nice respite to just sit back and enjoy more of the mating rituals of drunk Brad.

The great thing about Brad is that he tries tries, TRIES to be a deep thinker about romance, yet he does all his romancing while mind-dullingly drunk. How he complicates his life! And Brad has trouble with complexity: Do you see that look of panic that flashes across his face every time he has to remember which end of the fork goes in his mouth?

We began by rehashing his one-night-stand with Jackie, which had disgusted Cameran so. As a reminder, we were treated to old footage of the happy couple bobbing for tongues in each other?s mouths. This mashing made Liza Minnelli and David Gest?s wedding smooch look Amish.

Brad regretted this hookup, since his girlfriend Andrea was still sending him love poetry and saying she wanted to get married. I?ll bet seeing these episodes will inspire her to write a new couplet: “There once was a time our lives I wanted to join/But if you show up at my house now I?ll kick you in the groin.”

Brad was tempted to tell Andrea about his indiscretions, but Randy warned him not to, using the cautionary tale of Ben Affleck, who, Big Rand said, “f—ed some stripper two days before his wedding night.” Yes, Brad really should heed the mistakes of Affleck, since their lives are oh-so-similar in every way.

I hope Randy thinks to remind him of other Affleck missteps, “Yo, Brad, if you ever do move out of your parents? house, don?t forget to NOT make a movie about being a hitman falling in love with a lesbian, costarring your world-famous girlfriend.” Maybe these life lessons can be reciprocated: Perhaps right now Matt Damon is saying to Ben, “Yo, Ben, if you get sent to the drunk tank, don?t be putting your bare ass on the toilet seat like Brad. Lay some toilet paper down, Big B!”

Packing his worries along with a sleeping bag and a trunkful of alcohol, Brad left with his roommates on a camping trip. It was camping by the barest definition, in that they spent their time getting drunk in a tent instead of in their house. After a game of truth or dare in which Brad confessed he wanted to kiss Cameran, the two began making out in the tent while everyone else lay around them. Why? Because hooking up is an intimate act between two people and all of their roommates. This gave Jacquese the opportunity to do his usual high-fiving and giggling, which he does every time someone in the house hooks up. Jacquese is the Ed McMahon of one-night stands.

There was some confusion as to some aspects of the fool-around: Brad said Cameran started it, and vice versa. And Brad said Cameran was a great kisser, and Cameran said? feh. (Or the Southern equivalent thereof.) But then Brad made the mistake of telling Cameran that he really liked her, which is the quickest way to turn her off. (One would think that being a loud, vacant frat guy would be the quickest, but that angle didn?t seem to work.)

We previously learned that Cameran doesn?t take to relationships very well. But let?s put it in Affleckian terms that Brad can understand: Even J. Lo, who clearly takes to relationships VERY well, might not be convinced that someone?s intentions were good when he had a blood alcohol content of 34.3. The seven least convincing words in the English are “You?re sho hot, I want to kish you.”

The kissing quickly turned to arguing, and Cameran told Brad that she lost interest in him when she saw he was a male slut. When they returned home, things were unsettled, and Randy said the couple wouldn?t know where things really stood until they got drunk again. Isn?t the conventional wisdom that you can only find out if your relationship is healthy if you get along when you?re sober? Not in the Real Bizarro World! Other Big Randy maxims include, “Thinking long-term is no way to get the big picture. Just say to yourself: Will this make me happy now?” and “You can only find out who your real friends are by buying them things.”

Brad told Andrea all about his two hookups. “Did you ever think how hard that would be for me to watch?” she asked. After five years with Brad, shouldn?t she realize that any question directed at Brad that begins with the words “Did you ever think?” will always get the answer ”No”?

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