Dalton Ross’s Hit List for the Week of July 16, 2004
1 JOHN EDWARDS CHOSEN AS KERRY’S RUNNING MATE Pros: He was named one of PEOPLE magazine’s sexiest men alive in 2000. Cons: So was Rudy Boesch. And Casper Van Dien. And that dude from ”Highlander: Endgame.”
2 BARBIE NABS NEW BOYFRIEND, AUSSIE SURFER BLAINE I can’t help but suspect that the ”Barbie and Curious George” collector’s set is somehow to blame for her breakup with Ken, and that someone was perhaps a little TOO curious.
3 VING RHAMES TO PLAY KOJAK IN CABLE PIC As long as that keeps him out of RadioShack ads, we’re down.
4 SPIDER-MAN 2 SETS WEDNESDAY RECORD $40 million. In related news, I’m staring at a freakin’ peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich for lunch.
5 TORI SPELLING GETS MARRIED Don Rickles was there. So was Ed McMahon. And Tom Poston! Fire up The Peach Pit, Nat! And bring a few Depends with ya…you know, just in case.
6 FANTASIA TOPS THE SINGLES CHART Only, I’m convinced, because the soulful stylings of one Mr. Matt Rogers aren’t yet available for mass consumption. Feel it, baby!
7 17-YEAR-OLD RUSSIAN BEAUTY MARIA SHARAPOVA WINS WIMBLEDON Don’t worry, Anna. You’re still hot.
8 JA RULE PULLED OVER AND BUSTED FOR POT It seems he wasn’t kidding when he rapped about ”smokin’ and ridin’.” But, more importantly, was he kidding when he sang ”Cause we really need to be freaking off at any cost/It’s on me – if you married, then get a divorce”? Because that shows a surprisingly refreshing reluctance to engage in adulterous behavior.
9 50TH ANNIVERSARY OF ELVIS’ FIRST SINGLE If ”That’s All Right Mama” is the birth of rock & roll, does that make Kajagoogoo the grim reaper? I’m just asking.
10 NICK LACHEY JOINS CAST OF CHARMED Nick, we used to feel sorry for you. After this, we got nothing.