It has been decreed from high above: Thou shalt not worship false idols. So how on earth should we judge the worthiness of Clay Aiken, the 25-year-old ”American Idol” runner-up who just launched a 50-city tour in support of his double-platinum debut disc, ”Measure of a Man”? Let’s subject him to the ultimate test: a round of Stupid Questions.
What is the exact ”measure of a man”?
It’s 73 inches, you pervert. I’m 6 foot 1.
How does it feel to be the king of Wuss Mountain?
I don’t know that I’m the king of Wuss Mountain. I would call myself the mayor of Nerdville. I’m not really a wuss; I’m more of a dork. There’s a big difference.
So, how does it feel to be mayor of Nerdville?
Ummm…lots of low expectations, honestly.
How did John Stevens come to be? Did you fashion him out of your rib?
I think he was fashioned more out of Harry Connick Jr.’s ribs. And probably Alfred E. Newman’s.
Ruben has a sandwich named after him. If one were to make a Clay sandwich, what exactly would it contain, besides white bread?
It’d be peanut butter and macaroni and cheese mashed between two Krispy Kreme doughnuts.
That might be the most disgusting sandwich ever.
Probably so. Maybe that’s why I didn’t win.
You supposedly saw the piece of paper in Ryan Seacrest’s hand that revealed Ruben as the winner of the competition. Settle this debate once and for all: Did it also contain Seacrest’s hair-frosting schedule?
His is exactly the same as mine, to be honest with you.
Who’s got better second-place hair: you or Justin Guarini?
Oh, are you kidding? Me! At least mine’s been combed.
At age 5, you sang the Kenny Rogers-Dolly Parton hit ”Islands in the Stream” during your audition to be a mascot at a high school dance. Was it also around this time that you received your first wedgie?
Oh goodness, my mom gave me a wedgie with the diaper a long time before that…. I actually started convincing myself that wedgies were compliments. My friends used to give me wedgies, and I would convince people that that’s what they did because they were friends of mine.
You’ve been rooming with another Idol contestant, Kimberley Locke. Who decides which one of you has to do the dishes? Do friends and family call and text-message in their votes?
I just keep the house dirty as I can, and then she yells at me the next time she sees me about how nasty it is. And then we have someone come in and clean it up for us.
Your die-hard fans are known as Claymates. So when people really start feeling your music, is it fair to say that they’ve contracted Claymydia?
It’s about as fair to say that as it is to say that a ”Cheers” fan has gonor-Rhea Perlman. [Pause] That was disgusting. My mom is gonna be so ashamed of me.