Dalton Ross’s Hit List for the week of July 30, 2004
1 NEW BEATLES TRACKS FOUND Some lucky schmo paid $36 for a suitcase at a flea market and may have ended up with unreleased Beatles songs. Which is all the more disturbing when you consider that that’s $10 cheaper than the going rate for a ”Weird Al” boxed set. (No disrespect to ”My Bologna” intended.)
2 ”I, ROBOT” ME, NOT INTERESTED.
3 ANGELA LANSBURY SCORES EMMY NOD! And if she comes up short again, that will make 17 straight losses! Hmmm, probably should have refrained from the exclamation point on that last sentence. But I can’t help it!!!
4 MARTHA STEWART IS SENTENCED TO JAIL TIME Only for five months, though. I mean, hell — I’ve watched ”I Love the 80s” marathons that were longer than that.
5 SLIM-FAST DROPS WHOOPI GOLDBERG AS SPOKESPERSON But honestly, didn’t her ”I’m a big loser” campaign really say it all?
6 UPN TO DEBUT REALITY SHOW ”THE PLAYER” Let’s see: if I watch, I get an all-access pass to ”the bling-bling world of mansions, cool cars, and VIP parties.” If I don’t, I sit in my New Jersey home changing diapers and staring out at the Ford Focus in the driveway. Stupid Ford Focus. Why did I ever let Seacrest and Dunkleman talk me into buying that freakin’ car?
7 ”AMERICAN IDOL” RAISES AGE LIMIT TO 28 JUST GIVE me a minute while I figure out a way to blame this on Dunkleman.
8 ”SHOWGIRLS” V.I.P. EDITION DVD My copy has pasties, shot glasses, a blindfold, and — in the biggest surprise of all — Kyle Maclachlan’s dignity! Who Knew?
9 MIKE DITKA DOES NOT RUN FOR SENATE I would say he wasn’t up for it, but isn’t that what the damn Levitra is for?
10 ”A CINDERELLA STORY” Me, interested. (I’m not a proud man.)