Dalton Ross
August 13, 2004 AT 04:00 AM EDT

1 JAY-Z SCORES SIX MTV VMA NOMINATIONS! Which is really, really impressive until you realize that Paula Abdul once nabbed the same number for singing alongside an animated feline named MC Skat Kat. Then, not so much.

2 RYAN SEACREST’S TALK SHOW CANCELED Finally, he tastes the other side of the business — a little side I like to call ”Side Dunkleman.”

3 ”COLLATERAL” OPENS Tom Cruise has gray hair…and he’s still hot. The fine folks at Just For Men must be freaking out. First Richard Gere, and now this!

4 PARIS & NICOLE TO HOST TEEN CHOICE AWARDS Because if there’s one thing these two women know about, it’s making good choices. No, make that great choices. Bravo, ladies.

5 ”THE SIMPSONS” TO OUT A GAY CHARACTER Will this explain the whole ”Flaming Moe” thing? I mean, really explain.

6 ASHLEE SIMPSON’S ALBUM DEBUTED AT NO. 1 Somewhere the fellas in Van Halen are crying because their best-of disc only made it to No. 3. And somewhere Gary Cherone is crying because he didn’t even make it onto said Van Halen disc. And somewhere Van Halen fans are crying because Sammy Hagar did.

7 NEW EUROPEAN REALITY SHOW ”SPERM RACE” IN THE WORKS And I think we all know what ”in the works” means.

8 MISS AMERICA TO NOT AIR TALENT PORTION OF COMPETITION Which is just a nice way of saying the contestants officially have no talent. Which we kinda suspected already.

9 MIKE TYSON GETS KNOCKED OUT Whatever. I guess it’s embarrassing, but he could still kick my ass. Blindfolded. And while sucking down pink Hostess Sno Balls.

10 ”DOOM 3” IS RELEASED Sorry, but does the term ”first-person shooter” have anything to do with ”Sperm Race”? I’m just asking.

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