Survivor Vanuatu: Monty Brinton
Dalton Ross
September 23, 2004 AT 04:00 AM EDT

”Survivor”: Dolly, we hardly knew ewe

”Bubba, left! Left! Left! Left, Bubba, left!”

Sorry, but I have a feeling that’s gonna be stuck in my head for the next week or so. But I gotta give it to my man Sarge. He was a big part of what turned out to be a pretty damn odd episode of Survivor. How odd? Well, I saw more same-sex body contact this week then in full seasons of Queer As Folk and The L Word combined. What the hell was up with that reward challenge? I’m not sure, but I do know this — I loved it!!! Was it fair? No way. Women always destroy the men at any challenge involving balance (as we discussed last week — remember the ”balance-beam bungler”?). It also doesn’t help when you have an amputee on your squad. (By the way, I’m ready to support Chad to the end. I just wish the guy would do something.)

So we knew the dudes were gonna get hosed, but how odd was it seeing them all giving full-on body hugs and whispering sweet nothings in each other’s ears? Maybe they lost because they were all too busy peeking at the other side and hoping to catch as much girl-on-girl action as possible.

But that wasn’t all that was odd in episode number two of Vanuatu. You also had Sarge morphing into a gangster rapper after the immunity challenge, proclaiming, ”All right Lopevi, say my name! What up?”; Twila eating maggots (later saying of her more squeamish tribemates, ”If they want to be pampered, they need to go back to the Holiday Inn,” which was a bit odd because I’ve stayed in a few Holiday Inns, and while the free cable is nice, I wouldn’t say I was exactly ”pampered”); Rory getting all in a huff about the ladies celebrating their reward victory; and one hilarious attempt to hunt and kill a chicken.

You also had one fantastic immunity challenge. Let me make this perfectly clear — any challenge involving blindfolds automatically rocks my face. Remember when Big Tom took one in the kisser in All-Stars? Awesome, right? Well, lads and ladies were getting busted up left and right in this one. Challenge producer John Kirhoffer, I salute you. Their pain is your gain, my friend. (”Bubba, left! Left! Left! Left, Bubba, left!” )

And that brings us to Dolly. I liked Dolly. Okay, I admit it, part of it was because she was hot, but as my colleague Kirsten Baldwin has pointed out, she’s a sheep farmer and her name is Dolly — that’s pretty genius. (Who knows? Maybe she was cloned.) But that stuff she pulled going into Tribal Council was just plain idiotic. Remember what happened to Christy in the Amazon when she acted all high and mighty about being the swing vote? Yeah, next thing you know she’s sobbing to the camera about her evil stepsisters after being booted out. If there’s one thing you need to do in this game, it’s let people know where you stand — even if you’re lying to them. Just don’t act wishy-washy, flip-floppy, or anything else that ends in the letter y. As a result, Eliza flipped, joined the older crowd (including the 59-year-old Scout, who delivered the night’s best line with ”Dolly told me that she was definitely going to vote for Leann. I nearly dropped my teeth”), and voted out the indecisive one. The ramifications for that move next week should be pretty legit.

Speaking of next week, it seems we’ll have our first twist of the show, with both tribes being forced to oust one of their own. Not exactly sure how that makes an immunity challenge necessary, but we’ll see how it all plays out.

What do you think? Did Eliza make the right move? Is Sarge the second coming of 2Pac? Should Bubba have gone left? Go message-board crazy and let us know. And then . . . go left!!!

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