Mia Galeotalanza: Monty Brinton
Dalton Ross
September 30, 2004 AT 04:00 AM EDT

”Survivor”: Vanua-two evictions!

Two Tribal Councils? Two evictions? Shocking! Well, at least it would have been if the CBS promo department hadn’t ruined the surprise by teasing it all week. It was like one of those annoying movie trailers that lay out the whole plot before you even see the damn film. Had those nincompoops kept the surprise under wraps, we’d all be talking now, like ”Omigawd!” and ”Can you believe that?” and ”Whoa, what’s up with Jeff Probst rocking the shades and baseball cap look?” Well, I’m still sorta wondering about that last one, but you get my point. The impact was seriously diluted. I wonder how the Survivor producers feel about this issue. I know they weren’t happy with the ”make sure not to miss the first 10 minutes!” promos that aired before the season premiere, and I would assume they wouldn’t be too happy about this either. But, then again, I also assumed that Peter Scolari would be the big star to come out of Bosom Buddies, so what do I know?

Speaking of bosom buddies, there don’t seem to be too many of them over on the Yasur tribe. (Buddies at least — there are plenty of bosoms, even if many of them aren’t real.) The show kicked off with an impressive Twila vs. Mia showdown. You’d think Mia would’ve thought twice about yelling at Twila considering the woman was sharpening a big knife!!! Hellllloooooooo. It was pretty obvious at that point that one of them was going to go. It just seemed like the wrong war, wrong place, wrong time. Wait a minute, that’s from the presidential debate. Sorry about that. George W. repeated it so many damn times I just can’t get it out of my head. Just my luck. I finally erase ”Bubba, left!” from my consciousness and now I’m stuck with that doozy.

Anyway, we then were off to the reward challenge. Only it was also an immunity challenge. But not a team immunity challenge. An individual immunity challenge. But not for the team that lost the first reward challenge. But, then again, kinda because the person that won the immunity challenge would then bestow immunity on someone who lost the first reward challenge. Frankly, I was so confused about the entire thing, I rewarded myself with a tall cool Milwaukee’s Best and granted myself immunity from having to do the dishes. Sweet! The only other thing the challenge was really notable for (besides Jeff Probst’s sunglasses) was countless cleavage shots of Eliza bent over watching her team try to retrieve keys. Nice touch, Burnett.

So Lopevi won reward, and then John K. won immunity, and then John K. went over to the Yasur tribe, where he then talked to the ladies to help him decide who to give immunity to. At least I think that was it. Honestly, I was on my second Mil’s Beast by this time and closing in fast on the triple play. He must’ve figured it out, because by the time he showed up at Lopevi’s Tribal Council, he said he was 150 percent confident in his decision. Which makes you wonder: When did 100 percent become so substandard? I mean, I’ve heard of athletes giving 110 percent, but when did the bar get raised to 150? And how long till we close in on 200? Me, I’m about a 70 to 80 percent kind of guy. Any more, I get too stressed. Stress is bad. Sorta like the beer I’m drinking.

Anyway, John P. was sent packing, but not before he gave us our first awesome misspelling of the evening, writing down ”Royry” on his parchment. Frankly, the guys’ Tribal Council was kind of a letdown compared with the women’s one that followed. First you had John K. pissing everyone off by giving immunity to someone nobody was planning to vote for anyway (Ami). Meanwhile, Twila was rocking an incredible mullet, and even offering to have it French-braided. Then you had Mia throwing hilarious facial expressions all over the place. And finally you had Scout wishing Mia (or ”Mea” as Twila wrote on her parchment in the evening’s second fantastic name mangling) ”good luck in finding a husband that will put up with you.” I heard that! Well, the ladies no longer have to put up with Mia, as she was voted out when Lisa turned on her big-boobed alliance.

As I mentioned, the double eviction was no shock because of all the promos. But as regular readers of this column (Uncle Mead, I’m talking to you, my man) know, this time even the evictees were expected. That’s because some suckers took it upon themselves to post spoilers on the message board below. Look, some people like knowing that stuff. And for those that do, there are plenty of sites to go for that information. But this isn’t one of them. People here prefer to watch the game unfold for themselves. (Except EW’s Henry Goldblatt. That guy can’t stop himself.) But seriously, if you want to do that kind of junk, please do it someplace else. People like to share thoughts and communicate with each other in this space. People like . . . Jeff Probst! That’s right, my man has been known to drop a line every once in a while, so keep your eyes peeled. Who knows? Maybe he’ll tell us where he bought those bitchin’ shades.

What do you think? Did this episode double your pleasure? Double your fun?

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