Survivor Vanuatu: Monty Brinton
Dalton Ross
October 21, 2004 AT 04:00 AM EDT

”Survivor”: One rump or two?

Is it just me, or was this the most asstastic Survivor episode ever? First off we had Scout talking about crazy Rory being on his pity pot and commentating, ”Hopefully, he’ll wipe his ass.” Then Julie gave us the best out of nowhere comment of the season, proudly announcing, ”I’d like to tan my ass.” (Which of course, led to her doing an impersonation of Jenna and Heidi in search of peanut butter and chocolate.) Not to be outdone, Rory then told our boy Jeff Probst at Tribal Council, ”My ass is hanging out.” That’s actually fine, as long as he doesn’t get any tanning ideas. Personally, I’m a little upset none of these incidents qualified as the Pontiac Game Changing Moment of the week. People’s asses are on the line, Pontiac! Figure it out!

Okay, enough with Pontiac (at least until they inevitably give one away to a contestant in a few weeks). Let’s chat about Rory a bit. I don’t know what he was talking about with that whole I won’t work anymore unless you promise me I have a chance of staying speech. But after that initial insanity, he did what he needed to do, which is calm down, lay low, do well in the challenges, and let the women get on each other’s nerves — something they seem to be excelling at.

Since I bashed Bubba all over the place last week, the Survivor Equal Time Clause demands I give it to the ladies this time around. First you had Eliza doing absolutely nothing in the reward challenge. (Speaking of that whole putting pigs in the pen affair, it’s sort of sad when you’re doing challenges that resemble ones actually performed on Celebrity Mole: Hawaii, not to mention a few months back on The Amazing Race. On the flip side, I did like the fact that they gave the pigs yellow and red Mohawks, and I also enjoyed the blatant gratuitousness of forcing hot chicks in bikinis to slop through the mud. Subtlety, anyone?) Then you had Leann blowing it in the immunity challenge. And finally, Lisa and Ami going at it, which was truly fantastic. Think about it: How many times on Survivor have you seen one contestant totally blindsiding another by telling them to their face that they are going to vote them out? It made Lisa so mad, she told the camera, ”I wish her butt was out of here.” (See, another ass reference!)

The upshot of all of this is that we finally had a Tribal Council where there was not only a legitimate question as to who might go but a full-on four candidates who could conceivably get the axe (Lisa, Ami, Eliza, and Rory). Lisa’s neck was the ultimate recipient, and I’m fine with that. She didn’t really add anything to the show outside of a really scary-looking boob job. Who ever thought I’d actually be rooting for Rory to stay? Go figure. I was a little upset, however, about his comment that ”I’ve worked 110 percent from day 1 that I’ve been with Yasur.” I mean, wasn’t it just a few weeks ago that John K. proclaimed that he was 150 percent confident in his decision concerning the immunity necklace? Sorry, Rory, but 110 percent just doesn’t cut it these days. That kind of lollygagging will get you voted right off the island, my friend.

Okay, I’ve had enough fun at Rory’s expense, so let’s move on . . . to Sarge! Did you check out homeboy’s reaction at the sight of steak and eggs? He looked like one of those Dawn of the Dead zombies being offered a brains sandwich. Seriously, the guy lost it for a second there. He lost it again after winning and threatening to ”raise the doggone roof.” Now, I’ll have to look into this, but I’m pretty sure the phrases ”doggone” and ”raise the roof” are not supposed to be combined at any point. It’s like nitro and glycerin — the results aren’t pretty. Maybe I’m just down on Sarge because I’m getting really frightened at the looming prospect of a Sarge-Twila hook-up. Now there are two asses we could do without.

What do you think? Did Lisa deserve to get butted out? Can Rory make it to the merge? And how many different pairs of sunglasses does Jeff Probst actually have anyway?

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