Dalton Ross’s Hit List of the week of Nov. 19, 2004
1 BRITNEY WRITES ANOTHER ONLINE LETTER TO FANS
She insists she’s still taking a break but that we’ll soon ”be able to get a taste of my fine hubby on a few covers.” And to think we went with Colin Farrell. What the hell were we smoking?!?
2 TONY DANZA GIVES AWAY MIAMI VACATIONS TO ENTIRE STUDIO AUDIENCE
Oprah hands out cars. Danza hands out vacations. I went to see Jane Pauley and all I got was a free nap.
3 BONO WILL APPEAR ON NEW VERSION OF ”DO THEY KNOW IT’S CHRISTMAS?”
”Well, tonight thank God it’s him instead of…Spandau Ballet.”
4 JESSICA SIMPSON PAID $10 MILLION TO DEVELOP FASHION LINE
And by ”develop” we mean chew Bubble Yum while other people do confusing things like…stitch.
5 BON JOVI TO BE PRESENTED WITH THE AMERICAN MUSIC AWARDS AWARD OF MERIT
Honestly, I have to believe this is just so that host Jimmy Kimmel can say the words ”Tico Torres” over and over.
6 STUDY SHOWS THAT MINNESOTA IS THE HEALTHIEST STATE
Meanwhile, in a separate yet equally significant report, it was found that Minnesota is also ”as cold as a mother&%*¢@#!”
7 JIM HENSON’S MUPPETS WILL BE ON NEW POSTAL STAMPS
Does this mean I now have to lick the Swedish Chef, because I’m not sure I’m up for that.
8 CHARLIE SHEEN’S BABY TO APPEAR ON DAD’S SHOW
For therapists and E! True Hollywood Story producers, this could be a gold mine not seen since the rise and fall of the Coreys.
9 JOE PISCOPO GUEST-STARS ON LAW & ORDER
Sorry, I just felt the guy could use a plug. It’s not exactly like there are plans in the works for Captain Nuke and the Bomber Boys II.
10 THE POLAR EXPRESS OPENS
Now that’s a mustache!