”Survivor”: The boss gets fired
Here’s to Chris. Because he should have been ousted first in the game when he couldn’t get over the balance beam and now seems a lock for the final four? No. Because he finally won his first immunity? Not really. No, big-time props to the C man for the following exchange with Julie when they were battling for third place during the reward challenge. At stake: a shower, unlimited food, a real bed, and a private concert.
”Do you want this bad?” he asked Julie while they bobbed in the water.
”I really do,” she responded with her best pity-me-because-I’m-hot look.
We all knew what would happen next. He would do the chivalrous thing and allow her to score the bronze medal and enjoy the creature comforts that only a woman could fully appreciate. But no!!! ”Me, too,” he replied before diving down to collect his last flag and then storming to the finish line to take third. At this point I was half expecting him to spike his buff to the beach and scream, ”In your face, loooooooser!”
Julie looked stunned by the whole thing, as was I because I was trying to figure out what the hell Scout and Twila were already doing on the beach cheering them on. (Quitters!) Maybe they were looking to carjack Eliza’s new Pontiac G6. (Speaking of which, what a shock that Eliza winning a Pontiac was selected as the Pontiac Game Changing Moment of the week. Why am I so obsessed with this honor? It’s certainly no Tylenol Push Through the Pain Award, I’ll tell you that much.)
Although Chris’ socking it to Julie in the reward challenge may have seemed harsh, it was absolutely the right move, and not just because it meant he could wash that nasty head of hair. No, if Eliza had set off on an overnight stay with Ami and Julie, there is no way she wouldn’t have switched sides. By tagging along, he was able to act as a buffer and keep the motormouth in line. Even though, as he complained later, the women ”didn’t leave me no hot water — the bitches.”
I don’t mean to pick on poor Eliza. In fact, I better stop judging by the shot we saw of those bones sticking out of her back while she was stretching. Homegirl looked like that freakin’ alien that’s been terrorizing Sigourney Weaver all these years. If I piss her off too much, she might impregnate me with a young space creature that will burst out of my chest à la John Hurt.
Another person I’d never like to piss off — Ami. I just don’t think I could handle her endless assault of passive-aggressiveness. I loved the part where she kept telling Eliza that being voted off would make her really sad. Really, Ami! See, that’s shocking because people are usually so giddy when they get the boot and have their dreams of a million dollars dashed. When she wasn’t hounding Eliza, Ami kept telling Twila what a horrible person she was for lying, and picking on Scout for doing work around camp while she plucked eyebrows. ”It’s like Scout put a pile of cayenne pepper in my pants and said, ‘Hey, let’s dance,’ ” said Ami. ”Well, I’m ready to dance.” (I’ll take the high road and refrain from commenting about one lesbian accusing another lesbian of sticking something spicy down her pants.)
For a while it looked as if Ami’s politicking might actually pay off, with Eliza constantly talking about how awesome Ami was and how she had been like a big sister to her. Newsflash! She tried to vote you out two days ago! What the hell are you talking about? We went to Tribal Council not really knowing which way Eliza would fall. Then next thing you know, everyone’s crying! Eliza is crying. Ami is crying. Violet is crying. (Sorry, Violet is my one-year-old daughter. She woke up and wanted some milk. I told her to cop a chill and quit her yapping until I watched a torch get snuffed. Kids.)
At least Jeff Probst was in fine form, once again calling out Ami for being smug, but also sticking it to Scout with this home run line: ”It seems to me you wanted the women to stick together as long as it served you. And the minute it didn’t, you would change strategy.” Nice. (Although I am a little hesitant to praise my man after he blatantly mocked my recent fashion tips by sporting both the hat and sunglasses at the reward challenge. Oh, well. What the hell do I know about fashion anyway? I still wear a 1985 Echo and the Bunnymen T-shirt.)
So now with the queen bee finally ousted, we need to start looking at who we actually want to win. I suppose Chris is worthy in the sense that he really should have gone home in day 3, found a way to stick around, and has survived against the women’s alliance, but I think I’m going with Twila. Do I care that she lied on her son’s life? Hell no. This is Survivor. Lie all you damn please! Plus, she is the one who set up the alliance that toppled Ami. And you also have to give her props for busting out the one-piece bathing suit. Not something you see a whole lot of on Survivor. Will any women vote for Twila should she make the final two? Of course not. But that’s nothing that maybe a little cayenne pepper couldn’t change.
Who are you rooting for the win? And who do you think least deserves to be in the final four?