MRS. HUBER KILLED ON DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES In a shocking move, the producers decided to keep all the hot characters alive and off the one who doesn’t look good in a bikini.
FORMER SCHOOLKIDS WANT ROYALTIES FOR SINGING ON PINK FLOYD’S ”ANOTHER BRICK IN THE WALL” Look, we told you before and we’ll tell you again: Eat your meat, and then you can have all the damn pudding you please.
RON ARTEST PREPARES TO RELEASE RAP ALBUM Is it any good? Beats the hell out of me. Which is actually what Artest will probably do if I dis it. Four stars!
BOB DYLAN SITS DOWN WITH 60 MINUTES’ ED BRADLEY FOR THE SINGER’S FIRST TV INTERVIEW IN ALMOST 20 YEARS One word: subtitles.
JAILED NUN CLAIMS MARTHA STEWART IS GETTING ”KID-GLOVE TREATMENT” FROM PRISON GUARDS That’s despicable. Especially when you consider the abysmally low thread count on said gloves.
THIEVES MAKE OFF WITH PROMOTIONAL SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS FIGURES Surprisingly, no Alexander materials have yet been stolen, although some stoners in Colorado did reportedly borrow a cardboard cutout for a night to see if the mighty Macedonian ”knew how to parrrrrrrrty!”
SUPREME COURT HEARS ARGUMENTS ON MEDICAL MARIJUANA Proceedings were held up due to a ”last-minute special guest speaker” from Colorado going by the name of Alex.
BRITISH MAGAZINE SURVEY NAMES BAYWATCH WORST U.S. TV IMPORT Baywatch Nights?
HOLIDAY SHOPPING MADNESS…Is driving me insane!!!
JULIA ROBERTS HAS TWINS Maybe now she’ll finally be able to get on some magazine covers.