Dalton Ross
February 14, 2005 AT 05:00 AM EST

Dalton Ross’s Hit List for the week of Feb. 18 2005

1
YOGI BERRA CLAIMS INCLUSION IN SEX AND THE CITY ADS CAUSED ”SEVERE DAMAGE TO HIS REPUTATION”
Dude, Yogi — you’re 79. Your reputation just went through the roof, my friend! You’re like walking Levitra!

2
PAUL MCCARTNEY SAYS HIS WIFE HAS NOT MADE HIM HAVE PLASTIC SURGERY
I guess this gives new meaning to the phrase ”Let it be.” As well as the phrase ”Who cares?”

3
YOUNG EINSTEIN OUT ON DVD
You can’t stop Yahoo Serious — you can only hope to contain him! And I have a feeling sales of this DVD will definitely be. . .contained.

4
GERALDO PROMISES TO SHAVE HIS MUSTACHE IF MICHAEL JACKSON IS CONVICTED
Why couldn’t he promise something else, like. . .I don’t know, not to appear on TV anymore?

5
JAMIE FOXX WINS BEST ACTOR SAG AWARD!!!
I don’t know why I sound so excited. This is probably the least shocking development since Molly Ringwald ditched Duckie at the prom.

6
SURVIVOR: PALAU PREMIERES
There’s cancer survivor Jonathan and Wanda with her 25 foster children. But what about the enigmatic Jeff, who lists Bio-Dome as his favorite movie? Doesn’t he deserve some sympathy support too? And did Bio-Dome just barely edge out Young Einstein, or what?

7
BOOGEYMAN NO. 1 AT THE BOX OFFICE
Now, that’s scary.

8
PATRIOTS WIN THIRD SUPER BOWL
The only thing missing from this dynasty is Joan Collins slapping everyone silly. Although I suppose linebacker Tedy Bruschi sorta fills that role.

9
MARTHA STEWART TO HOST APPRENTICE SPIN-OFF
It’s hard to get too excited about this, unless she starts busting out some of her new jailhouse lingo: ”Yo, which of you punk-ass contestants wants to be my beyotch?!?”

10
SUGE KNIGHT ARRESTED
Shades of Duckie all over again.

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