GEORGE MICHAEL SAYS HE’S QUITTING POP MUSIC
In related news, Andrew Ridgeley took the opportunity to announce, ”I’m not quitting anything. Pop? Rap? Country? Whaddya got?”
SHANIA TWAIN TO CREATE OWN PERFUME LINE
”Shania Twain shares the core values of Stetson,” said a company exec, before presumably adding, ”you know, like being really hot and marrying people nicknamed after dogs.”
MEDICAL MARIJUANA GROWERS IN CALIFORNIA WANT THEIR POT CERTIFIED ORGANIC
Failing that, they’d at least like it to be recognized as ”some seriously mind-blowing s—.”
RIGHTS TO UNRELEASED ELVIS SONG PUT UP FOR SALE ON EBAY
That’s an odd thing to bid on. I’m also not quite sure how the fried-peanut-butter-and-banana-sandwich payment plan works.
THE AMAZING RACE 7 BEGINS WITH SURVIVOR‘S BOSTON ROB AND AMBER
Does this mean Lex is going to follow them around the world, screaming ”That’s still not cool what you did on All-Stars, man. Apologize before I grow another ugly mohawk”?
D.C. CAB ON DVD
Yes, Mr. T addresses someone as ”fool.”
BONO NOMINATED FOR NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
Did everyone who performed that charity version of ”Across the Universe” get nominated? Because I’d love to hear Slash’s acceptance speech: ”I’d like to thank the guy who makes my top hats, all my porn-star friends, Mr. Brownstone . . . Oh yeah, and in your face, Axl!!!”
PRINCE TO RECEIVE NAACP VANGUARD AWARD
I can’t wait for his speech, either: ”I’d like to thank Lake Minnetonka, the creator of lace, Nikki . . . Oh yeah, and in your face, Axl!!!”
HACKER GETS INTO PARIS HILTON’S CELL PHONE
With Paris, let’s be thankful it was just the phone.
CURSED OPENS IN THEATERS
It’s like An American Werewolf . . . in America! USA! USA!