MOST UNLIKELY FILMS TO BE PROMINENTLY FEATURED ON AN OSCARCAST Boat Trip, Pootie Tang, and White Chicks. Criminally overlooked. Until now.
THE ENUNCIATION AWARDS (a.k.a. ”the Nuncies”) go to a number of marble-mouthed celebs, including Drew Barrymore (who inserted the random Conneryism ”shuggests” into her presentation), Al Pacino for mumbling through his Sidney Lumet tribute, and Adam Sandler, for his charming coinage of the word adaption.
THE ”NO, WE WILL NOT BE FORGIVING YOUR ‘COMPROMISED SENSE OF HUMOR”’ AWARD goes to Sean Penn, for his sour defense of Jude Law from the jabs of Chris Rock. He succeeds former champ Tim Robbins, who laughed off Rock’s dig at his politics and flipped him the bird covertly, like a gentleman.
THE SHINY GOLD STAR AWARD goes to Gwyneth Paltrow, for assuring us that she could read her nominee list for Best Foreign Language Film in each of the films’ original languages.
MOST POINTEDLY UN-ROCKED PRESENTER The ”lovable” Mike Myers, introduced by a fawning voice-over, not the host. Per his contract, he cannot and will not take a joke.
WINNER’S NAME MOST LIKELY TO SET OFF A BIOTERROR SCARE Horst Burbulla, winner of an Academy science and technical award of merit.
HAIR MOST LIKELY TO SET OFF BIOTERROR SCARE Antonio Banderas, narrowly outskeezing Johnny Depp.
MOST TIRED IMPRESSIONS OF THE SAME PEOPLE HE DOES IMPRESSIONS OF EVERY YEAR This one’s a squeaker, but we’re giving it to Robin Williams.
BEST SHORT (SPEECH) Original Screenplay winner Charlie Kaufman, who said those magic words, ”I don’t want to take my time. I want to get off the stage.”
MOST HEROIC ATTEMPT TO MAKE A BOYS CHOIR LOOK CASUAL goes to whoever staged the Les Choristes song, performed by Beyoncé, backed by a boys choir. Arranged in a relaxed scatter pattern. Just, y’know, hangin’ out. In matching red sweater-vests.
BEST UNEXPLOITED OPPORTUNITY FOR A NAUGHTY JOKE ”Beyoncé backed by a boys choir.”
THE NEVER THOUGHT WE’D SAY THIS BUT BRING BACK RANDY NEWMAN MOMENT When Andrew Lloyd Webber showed up with that monkey on his piano.
THE QUEEN’S ENGLISH AWARD goes to Live Action Short Film winner Andrea Arnold for calling her win ”the dog’s bollocks” and sending the FCC scrambling to figure out what ”bollocks” are and whether they are grounds for hysteria.
MOST STRAIGHT-FACED READING OF TELEPROMPTER BS goes to P. Diddy, for calling The Polar Express ”a very hip and creative film.”
SADDEST FIVE WORDS AWARD goes to Hilary Swank, for uttering the phrase my best friend and publicist.