Dalton Ross’s Hit List for the Week of March 25, 2005
1 DONALD TRUMP CONSIDERING BUYING MISS AMERICA PAGEANT Hmmm, let’s see — he already co-owns Miss USA, Miss Teen USA, and Miss Universe. Is there any ”Miss” he doesn’t own? (Take cover, Little Miss Muffet! He’s onto you!)
2 TARA REID SUES VEGAS CONDO DEVELOPER FOR IMPLYING THAT SHE IS ”SEXUALLY LEWD” Well, I guess she can’t sue herself, so…
3 PAUL NEWMAN WILL RETIRE AFTER MAKING ONE MORE MOVIE ”FOR GOOD LUCK” Dude, you don’t need luck as long as the words ”Slap Shot 2” are in the title.
4 GEORGE LUCAS SAYS NOT TO BRING YOUNG KIDS TO REVENGE OF THE SITH That’s certainly helpful, but why couldn’t he have advised us not to go to The Phantom Menace at all?
5 PETA PROTESTS J. LO Yo, take a number, PETA. Anyone who was forced to sit through her Grammy performance has first dibs.
6 RICHARD HATCH BLAMES IRS WOES ON CBS I actually think he’s onto something here. That really lame Paul Newman entry I came up with? Totally CBS’ fault.
7 DOOGIE HOWSER, M.D. ON DVD I still don’t think I’d trust a physician named Dr. Doogie. Or Dr. Giggles, for that matter.
8 HEATHER GRAHAM TO STAR IN ABC PILOT ABOUT A BOOK PUBLISHER HAVING TROUBLE DATING Personally, it sounds a little more like a show about an actress having trouble with her movie career, but whatever. I’ll still watch.
9 THE RING TWO OPENS If I watch and die, do I get my $10 back?
10 QUEER EYE GUYS TO GIVE BOSTON RED SOX PLAYERS MAKEOVERS Not for nothing, but could this be the first time the Fab Five take on subjects who have more experience with crotch-grabbing than they do? I mean, isn’t that 50 percent of what baseball is? (Steroids being the other 50.)
”If HBO goes through several years without [a series of hits], they’ll