Coby Archa: Robert Voets/CBS
Dalton Ross
April 14, 2005 AT 04:00 AM EDT

”Survivor”: A loose cannon is fired

Coby, Coby, Coby — I don’t like repeating people’s names three times in a row (especially yours, because it reminds me of that lame R&B act Tony Toni Toné). But, oh, did you let me down. You kicked James’ ass in the sumo challenge — I sang your praises. You outwitted Ulong time and time again at all the puzzles — I sang your praises. Well, my man, I sing no more (and as anyone who’s heard my voice can tell you, that is a good thing).

That whole bit where you got voted out and told your tribe how ”that was a great compliment”? Well, I’m sorry to break this to you, but . . . it wasn’t. And then in your post-vote-off confession where you talked about how ”every single one of you said you got rid of me because I was a threat”? Well, they didn’t. I thought you were a threat when the game started. You seemed like a cunning strategist. But instead you turned into a loose cannon. Now, I can overlook your getting all fussy at Tom for taking charge in the fishing department, even if you were acting a little divalicious, but then calling Stephenie into an obvious strategy session right in front of the rest of the tribe? Dude, ever heard of subtlety? Ever consider that the biggest threat in Survivor is the one who doesn’t make himself so freakin’ obvious? (And no, Janu, that does not mean I consider you a threat — unless we’re talking about a threat to wither up and die in a hammock.)

Okay, I’m off that. Especially when there’s so much else to talk about — like Tom getting wasted! Now look, I don’t have a problem with that. This here column is practically sponsored by Milwaukee’s Best — or at least it would be if I could get some damn money out of them for drinking their swill. But it was pretty funny seeing Robosurvivor falling down drunk repeatedly. Naturally, it didn’t stop him from getting up at the crack of dawn to go fishing the next morning. Nor did it stop him from dominating the immunity challenge, but we’ll get to more of that later.

But first, how about that Stephenie spending a night all alone by herself, eh? After being hit hard by promos for it all week, we ended up with about 15 seconds of night-vision footage. Scintillating. I called out that she would only be left alone for a day before joining Koror, but since my Survivor prediction record is so utterly pathetic, I wasn’t completely positive. But sure enough, after a few tears and a few more comical attempts to corral coconuts, she was finally dragging her Home Depot toolbox to go join her former tormentors. By the way, what the hell is it with Home Depot and Mark Burnett shows? I’ve counted over-the-top HD product placement in Survivor, The Apprentice, and The Contender. (Yes, I watch The Contender, but let’s keep that on the down low, shall we?) Anyway, I hope they are at least getting some sort of package deal for all this ad time. Heck, maybe I can even get them to replace Mil’s Best as my official sponsor. I sure could use a power drill. (Hint, hint.)

I figured Stephenie would be easily picked off once she joined Koror (remember what I said about my horrible prognosticating skills?). I wasn’t buying the whole Tom-Ian-Katie-Steph alliance, and I’m still not, especially after Tom’s pathetic pep talk when he told Stephenie that they would take her ”as far down the road as we can.” Dude! As far as you can? What the hell is that? You don’t tell her that! You lie! You say, ”Final four, baby! All the way!” You don’t say ”as far as we can.” That could come back to burn the firefighter.

Of course, it didn’t matter for this week because it was an endurance immunity challenge and there was little doubt that Tom, the self-proclaimed stubborn Irishman, would be walking away with the really, really ugly shark-teeth-adorned immunity necklace. (Oh, memo to Coby: A real ”threat” doesn’t bail after one hour to go eat a doughnut with a showgirl, unless she’s a super hot showgirl.) I was actually shocked that everyone jumped off their poles so quickly for food (well, everyone but Janu). I guess I’ll give Ian a pass, though, for making a most excellent peanut-butter-and-chocolate-nudity reference to my ”Survivor: Live” cohost, Jenna Morasca, who no doubt was on her Sidekick within seconds text-messaging God knows who in sheer ecstasy. But Stephenie disappointed me in jumping in to scarf down that pizza. Hey, I love pizza. It goes great with the Beast. But when you are a new face in a tribe, you should take nothing for granted. Everyone on these message boards keeps talking about what a fierce competitor Stephenie is, but this didn’t seem so hardcore to me.

What do you think of Stephenie’s chances now? Was it Coby’s temper that got the best of him? And where do Tom’s drunken shenanigans rank in all-time Survivor lush lore? That’s your cue, folks. Post away!

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