Craig: Craig Blankenhorn/ NBC
Whitney Pastorek
May 06, 2005 AT 04:00 AM EDT

”The Apprentice”: Setting up an all-girl finale

I don’t know if you guys noticed this, but there’s no way Trump can’t choose a woman to be the third Apprentice. This to me is exciting. This to me is so exciting, in fact, that I am going to forgive Mark Burnett for briefly turning the show into Apprentice: Lifetime once Craig got booted.

But still, I must ask: What was up with the Lilith Fair piano music upon Tana and Kendra’s return to the suite? And then their awww moment with the touching/moving scrapbook? Two guys would never be asked to awww over a scrapbook, would they? Not in a ”16-week job interview.” I mean, these people are told repeatedly to be all hard-nosed ‘n’ stuff, and then they gotta coo over a book full of folks they stabbed in the back with their hard noses? It was a little weird. And I didn’t exactly find myself getting misty-eyed over the photos of Crazy (or Perhaps Just Misunderstood) Verna rolling her suitcase down the Jersey Shore boardwalk, either, but we’ll drop that for now and move on to . . .

. . . saying farewell to Craig. Yes, our little shoeshine entrepreneur is gone, booted at exactly 17 minutes and 50 seconds into the show. Rather than go into all the reasons he sucked and I hated him, I’ll just reprint a little something here in his honor. As you know, this week we had the go-talk-to-amorphous-corporate-blobs-desperate-to-get-on-Trump’s-good-side segment, a.k.a. the Mock Job Interviews, and Craiggers had one of the best answers of all time. Ahem. Hold on, lemme make sure I have this right. Okay:

”What happens is, when I set up something and I hand it over to someone, I tend to allow — it seems like it’s easy . . . it seems like, you know . . . and I’m trust — I’m willing to hand it over to someone with the intention of them allowing . . . for them to have the opportunity to . . . burn their own bridges.”

Thanks for playing, drive on through. To quote one of the amorphous corporate blobs, ”We don’t hire Craig.” And quickly, on a tangent, to quote another A.C.B. re Tana, ”She borrowed $4000 when she was 9 years old and made $12,000 out of it.” I’m sorry, wha? Details, people! They are the spice of life! Now, I know there wasn’t eBay when Tana was 9, and the Bedazzler hadn’t been invented yet — how exactly did she do this? I’m begging you!

Never mind. All that matters is that Tana and Kendra are the final two, Kendra in her vamp nail polish and Tana in her giant red Bedazzled fur-collared sweater that looks like it’s eating her head. And they enter the boardroom as the final two and meet their little helpers for the last task and [insert shocking twist music here] they get a lot of obnoxious folks back.

Over on Magna Corp., a.k.a. Book Smarts, a.k.a. Kendra’s Team of Let’s Hope They Are Soon to Be Winners, a.k.a. the Scatterbrains, you’ve got cocky-ass Michael, loopy-ass Danny, and the Professor, Erin/Ashlee Simpson/the Girl from The Ring. (Wow, she had way too many nicknames this season.) This team is entrusted with running the Best Buy Video Game World Championship at Webster Hall. (Keep an eye on your credit cards.)

At Net Worth, a.k.a. Street Smarts, a.k.a. Tana’s Team of Everything That Net Worth Touches Turns Into Losers, a.k.a. the Tempers (and that’s putting it politely), we’ve got Brian the Toilet Thrower-Awayer, ‘Roid Rage Chris (how can we miss you if you never go away?), and Kristen, who I seem to remember cursed a lot. This team is entrusted with running the NYC2012 Athlete Challenge at Chelsea Piers. (And so if New York City doesn’t get the Olympics in 2012, we know who to blame.)

Advantage? Kendra. (I love that Tana’s one and only question about the assignment was ”Um, can we trade players?”)

So then everyone sort of totters off to do the tasks. I’m unclear on what either of the tasks really is, but over at Magna, Danny sang a lame jingle to some executives who looked pissed while Kendra was having an obviously fake conversation with someone else; people kept saying things like ”That’s why we hired you” to Kendra, which made me concerned these executives might also be fake; and some Playstation 2s got thrown into Webster Hall’s totally sketchy basement, and PS2’s Amy wasn’t so happy about that.

Meanwhile, Net Worth is doing something way down near Wall Street because ‘Roid Rage Chris can’t find parking and Brian got stuck fiddling with his lapel pin while Tana went out to talk to Chris on the phone about that, and then her big brilliant idea as far as I could tell was ”People are coming because they love the Olympics, and let’s give ’em something Olympic!” Oookey. Theynks. Shure.

Whatever. I never thought I’d say this, but bring back the ridiculously drawn-out golf tournaments and polo matches, wouldja? I can hang out in the basement of Webster Hall whenever I want.

New odds:

Kendra: 2-1

Tana: 6-1

What do you think? Which project manager got stuck with the worst team? Could Craig possibly have been as bad as he looked in the interviews, or is he an editing victim? And what sort of job at the Trump organization could Tana or Kendra actually handle?

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