Dalton Ross’s Hit List for the week of May 13, 2005
1 BOLLYWOOD MOVIE AWARDS HONOR DAVID HASSELHOFF AS INTERNATIONAL STAR OF THE YEAR The announcement was met with general confusion in most quarters, except Germany, which fired off an angry letter warning India to simply ”back off.”
2 ELVIS AIRS ON CBS Speaking of the King, you can blame his death on the pills, but anyone who keeps a bowl of bacon on his piano for snacking is kinda living on borrowed time anyway.
3 STAR WARS FANS LINE UP AT THEATER FOR CHARITY The charity in question apparently being ”Nerds in Costumes.”
4 MERRILL LYNCH INVESTORS COULD OWN CAPTAIN AMERICA IF NEW MARVEL COMICS FILMS FLOP What’s he gonna do with the bitchin’ shield then? I don’t think that thing really works on debt.
5 JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE TO JOIN CAMERON DIAZ IN SHREK 3 Suddenly big, hot ogre sex doesn’t sound so nasty after all.
6 FOX CUTS AWAY FROM PRESIDENT BUSH’S PRESS CONFERENCE TO SHOW PARIS HILTON’S REALITY SHOW An angry president immediately shot back, introducing Nicole Richie as his new Secretary of Partying Down!
7 NEW EDITION SAYS THEY WOULD LET BOBBY BROWN BACK IN THE BAND That just doesn’t make any sense. I mean, the last person on Earth who should be telling me to ”Cool it now” is freakin’ Bobby Brown. Not exactly a river of calm, that guy.
8 RUSH LIMBAUGH APOLOGIZES TO CLAY AIKEN FANS FOR DISSING THE SINGER Too bad he didn’t also take the opportunity to apologize to the rest of America for being Rush Limbaugh.
9 CHER WRAPS FAREWELL TOUR AFTER THREE YEARS AND 325 CONCERTS This has to be the longest, most awkward goodbye ever, made even more awkward by her sporting a G-string.
10 XXX SEQUEL BOMBS You can’t replace Vin Diesel. (Thank God.)