Dalton Ross
May 23, 2005 AT 04:00 AM EDT

Dalton Ross’s Hit List for the week of May 27, 2005

1 THIRD-PLACE IAN THROWS SURVIVOR TO SAVE TWO FRIENDSHIPS Hate to break it to you, Ian, but a million bucks will buy at least six new friends.

2 CHRIS TUCKER PLEADS GUILTY TO CHARGES FROM HIGH-SPEED CHASE Hmmm. . .what’s the name of that movie he was in? House Party 3? No. Money Talks? No. Rush Hour? That’s the one.

3 DENNIS MILLER CANCELED BY CNBC Holy crap! I didn’t even realize he had a show! (I guess that was the problem.)

4 ROBIN WILLIAMS SUES MAN FOR IMPERSONATING HIM Let’s give the guy his props: Passing for Robin Williams is no easy task. I mean, unless you’re Chewbacca or the Wolfman.

5 AMERICAN IDOL AND LOST FINALES GO HEAD-TO-HEAD My solution? Crossover episode. Who knows, maybe Hurley could sweet-talk Paula into some cough syrup and styling tips.

6 A CURRENT AFFAIR UNVEILS MASSIVE HAIR STRANDS THAT SUGGEST BIGFOOT MAY EXIST Of course, said evidence points just as strongly to Robin Williams, so. . .

7 REVENGE OF THE SITH OPENS The cool thing would be to act all blasé and above it all, but no one ever accused me of being cool.

8 CELEBRITY JUSTICE CANCELED Party at Tom Sizemore’s house.

9 ANGIE EVERHART AND ERIKA ELENIAK WILL PLAY MOVIE STAR GINGERS IN NEW SEASON OF THE REAL GILLIGAN’S ISLAND Erika Eleniak? Who the hell is that? I didn’t realize her role in Dracula.3000 qualified as ”star-making.”

10 WILLIE NELSON TO RELEASE AN ALBUM OF REGGAE SONGS Now, let’s see — what could Willie and Rastafarians possibly have in common? Oh, righhhhhht. (Told you I wasn’t cool.)

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