Who needs 500 cc’s of Stamos? TV does! Stat! That’s why John Stamos — General Hospital’s Blackie, Full House’s Uncle Jesse, America’s heartthrob — is checking into ER for two episodes starting Nov. 10. (His ABC sitcom Jake in Progress returns in January.) Let’s strap him to a gurney and administer an extra-strength dose of Stupid Questions.
You’re guest-starring as a flirtatious paramedic on ER. What’s the best pickup line you’ve ever used in an ER?
I went in to see my mother, who’d been in a fire, and she was charred. There were some attractive nurses in there and my pickup line was ”You’re hotter than my mother!”
If you could save yourself from one of your credits, with minimal loss of blood, which would it be?
Could I save myself from my ’80s hair? I had a Cadillac on my head. I mean, I had fins. And my bad hair keeps coming up like a rotten taco in syndication.
You play a publicist on Jake. Give me your best spin on the fact that the show finished last season in 105th place.
Who looks at the ratings? 105? One-oh-schmive! It’s all about the nice guys in this business, and John Stamos is one of them.
Now do damage control for the time you played yourself on Step by Step.
What’s Step by Step? Was Urkel on that show? I was high most of the ’80s. On something.
Not only were you married to Rebecca Romijn, you were once named one of PEOPLE’s 50 Most Beautiful People. When you pass by ordinary citizens on the street, are you secretly thinking, ”Why must I walk amongst the fugly?”
I’m thinking, ”Why am I walking and not in an air-conditioned limo with beautiful girls fanning me and giving me grapes?”
Let’s pretend I just asked you a funny Olsen twins question. What’s your answer?
A lot more money than me.
Which Uncle Jesse was more of a chick magnet: you or Denver Pyle from The Dukes of Hazzard?
I got girls with teeth. That was the difference.
Was Dave Coulier’s Popeye impression as funny the 700th time as the 17th?
It was never funny. Is that bad? Can I say that?
Sure, you can. Back in your General Hospital days, did you ever get yourself so confused with Rick Springfield that you rerecorded Working Class Dog in its entirety?
No, but I always wanted Jessie’s girl. But then I realized I got her, because I was Jesse.
You appeared in the Beach Boys’ ”Kokomo” video as an auxiliary percussionist. Take us behind the bongos: How many takes did it require to get precisely the right amount of cheese?
Until I had mold on my knees. And I don’t know where I got that pink tank top. I guess George Michael was having a garage sale.
Last week, someone on eBay tried selling a John Stamos pillowcase emblazoned with the word Always. Alas, there were no bidders.
Single tear rolling down cheek? Well, that’s the next thing — they’re going to have a picture of me with a single tear running down my cheek on a pillow. It’s all a big, elaborate setup to get that shot.
And how much will that one fetch?
I’m willing to pay a good $4.50.