1. NBC will not pick up The Apprentice: Martha Stewart Meanwhile, Donald Trump and George Ross just took part in history’s most painfully awkward old-white-guy high five.
2. Angelina Jolie nabs three People’s Choice nominations That’s not all she’s nabbed lately, if you know what I’m sayin’… You have no idea, do you? Honestly, neither do I.
3. Paul McCartney provides wake-up call to International Space Station crew Paul McCartney is a living legend with a back catalog of songs that is simply unmatched. Still, homeboy better come with a damn snooze button.
4. Tyra Banks and Naomi Campbell end feud at Victoria’s Secret fashion show Apparently, this catwalk was big enough for the both of them. And anyone else sporting a push-up bra.
5. Sean Connery to receive AFI’s Life Achievement Award What? Before George Lazenby?!? Where’s the love?
6. Ray Romano to guest-star on The King of Queens It should be a great episode. And yet still not half as funny as any given installment of Ghost Whisperer.
7. Researchers name lemur after John Cleese Sorry, but don’t lemurs have really tiny brains? What exactly are these bastard researchers implying?
8. Paris Hilton car accident appears on Internet Ho-hum. I guess I just expect more from her. On the Net, at least.
9. Screaming teenage girls bum-rush boy band B5 at Minnesota mall show Oh, B5, enjoy it while you can. Because one of those screaming teenage girls will no doubt later grow up to work at VH1, where she will produce a series of specials mocking your fleeting fame. Much like I am right now.
10. Batman vs. Dracula on DVD Hmmm…the Dark Knight versus the Prince of Darkness. Can anyone even see?