1. Ted Koppel retires from Nightline Let’s hear it for the veteran newsman! As well as the balled-up squirrel that’s resided on top of his head for the past 25 years. Quite a team.
2. Lost to make spin-off mini-episodes available on mobile phones Excellent. But if accessing them involves dialing the numbers 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, or 42, you can forget about it. And I’m not pushing any stupid button every 108 minutes, either! You got that, Locke?!
3. Sharon Osbourne tells tabloid Ozzy ”[bleeps] like a rabbit” What, eats carrots? 4. Danny DeVito signs on for FX comedy It’s kind of a small role…. Wait, I didn’t mean it like that. After all, there are no small roles, only small actors…. Crap! That’s not any better. Oh, I give up.
5. Mischa Barton flashes a breast on The O.C. Any chance of flashing a little acting talent while she’s at it?
6. Shania Twain receives Order of Canada The prestigious lifetime-achievement award cited her dedication to fighting child hunger, as well as her jaw-dropping ability to actually appear excited about guest-starring on The Apprentice.
7. Matthew McConaughey named PEOPLE’s Sexiest Man Alive I knew I shouldn’t have thrown away those bongos.
8. Michael Jackson reportedly uses women’s bathroom to put on makeup This is positively shocking. Michael Jackson wears makeup?!?
9. Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo on DVD Hold on, wasn’t this just in theaters? Damn, Deuce works fast! (Although one would think that would be bad for business, considering his line of work and all.)
10. AFI compiling list of ”most inspirational films of the century” And the Goonies write-in campaign starts…now!