”The Apprentice”: Blondes have less fun
I don’t like to lord my brilliance over people. I mean, really, I’m more of the quietly humble sort, you know, toil in obscurity, live in the shadow of someone else’s wings, whisper my opinions into a paper bag that I then set on fire… and yet, I feel compelled to point out:
WHO CALLED IT, PUNKS??
Tonight, Brains beat Blondes, good triumphed over evil, sensible dark business suits defeated The Limited’s spring line, as Alla and Felisha broke up on national TV and also basically proved their inherent ineptitude through bitchery and tears. What was that you were going on about last week, Alla? Something regarding karma and where it can bite you? Yeah.
The task was to create a 60-second commercial for Microsoft Office Live Meeting, some sort of software that allows you to click and drag windows in unison with people thousands of miles away. It’s mindblowing, really — and even if it’s not mindblowing, I’m not gonna tell the no-last-name Microsoft staff members so. Hell, even Trump had to kiss up to Microsoft. So our Project Managers — Crutches vs. Felisha — set about managing their best friends. But while Randal and Rebecca continued their harmoniously professional existence, trouble was almost immediately afoot between The Women. Oh, the bickering! The hair pulling! Despite Alla’s pronouncement at the top of the show that, ”on a personal level,” she wanted to see Felisha return from the boardroom (how personal a level, we may never know), these two ladies seem pathologically unable to get along without the smushy buffer of Jason Schwartzman to diffuse their obvious sexual tension. ”She’s different,” Alla whined. ”She’s changed.” And when they started bumping up against each other — a struggle later illustrated so fetchingly by Felisha’s fists — it was 1) clearly a disaster and 2) what appeared to be Bill Rancic’s very own dream-come-true.
[Darling Bill deviated a bit from the clichés tonight, so clearly distracted by the mental mudwrestling taking place in Blonde Land, but I’d like to reprint one of his all-time classic phrases here, for your reading pleasure: ”I think it’s very difficult for Felisha to be the leader with Alla on her team, because Alla’s such a strong woman that it’s almost impossible for Felisha to try and be the leader with her in the group.” Dammit, NBC, when are you giving this man his own show??]
As the two teams set about producing their videos, different strategies came into play. Felisha decided to act in the video herself, leaving Alla to direct (well, sort of — Felisha spent most of tonight in a marvelous state of flummoxed). For her part, The Mad Princess Anastasia wasted no time in yelling out ”NO NO NO BAD” to tell Felisha she was sucking, demonstrating that puppy-strangling control we’ve all come to know and love. Meanwhile, Rebecca and Randal were working together in perfect harmony with the actors they hired (well, sort of — Randal might have saved Rebecca’s ass by informing her that the actors they hired totally sucked), and little Crutches tried her hardest to seem tough and controlling by ending each scene with a curt ”STOP.” If I were a dude, I would probably find Crutches very attractive. She’s got a real Kate-on-Lost thing going on. I wonder if she’s ever killed her dad. Anyhoo, R & R’s video — being, as it was, coherent, charming, and effective — turned out the clear winner; Team Blonde’s video — being, as it was, set at a speed only hummingbirds and crystal meth addicts could comprehend — sent our sparring lovers to the boardroom.
For the reward, R&R got to go on a sail around Manhattan, and because tonight’s Special Trump Message was ”Family” — Melania, I hope you enjoyed that spaghetti, you’re a very lucky woman — who should show up on the schooner but Rebecca’s boyfriend (who looked like he stepped out of the Princeton admissions catalog), and Randal’s wife (whose name, I swear to god, was Zathura). It was weirdly nice to see into the Apprentici’s personal lives, and seeing as how Mark Burnett has been using this tactic for 900 years over on Survivor, I can’t believe they haven’t tried it more often. But then that would require logic and quality, and I think we’ve learned not to hunt for those things on this program, haven’t we, ducklings?
Back at the ranch, Felisha and Alla were enjoying their final candlelit dinner together: Felisha bared her soul, and The Mad Princess Anastasia went out back and ground it into the pavement with her stiletto. ”I laugh at the depressed,” she declared. And suddenly I realized: Alla has no soul. Her confidence, however, was impressive… until they hit the boardroom and Alla started interrupting poor Felisha and driving her to tears — I had no idea it was such an abusive relationship, people, did you? — and steamrolling over everything in sight. I thought she was a goner. But no! Trump declared poor Felisha to be too soft to handle life here on the hardscrabble streets of New York, and fired her! And Alla, in a move not unlike the one Jeremy Shockey pulled on the sideline of last Sunday’s Giants game, got up to leave… but no! ”Sit down, Alla,” Trump barked! And then… he fired her, too!!
So off they rode, our estranged sweethearts, in their Cab of Shame. Thankfully, Felisha managed to slide one last ”at the end of the day” in there, and Alla got in a final hair flip. I’d like to say I’ll miss them, but that would be lying, and lying is wrong.
Randal vs. Rebecca. This season’s Overeducated Black Dude vs. Pretty Girl on Crutches. I’m scared to trash what little credibility I’ve gained by correctly predicting the final two (if you forget that I spent the first 6 weeks championing Josh), but I gotta go Crutches. If for no other reason than I think she might look funny hopping about in excitement if she won.
So, what’s your prediction? Who’s gonna win? Will it be the best player? And is there any reason why Felicia or Alla deserved to stick around?