It’s time to start paying attention to the oeuvre of German director Uwe Boll. At this rate, he’ll become the Ed Wood of this new movie century. In his favor, he seems to be working with an intensity of output unmatched by just about anyone except Woody Allen, with another epic due by year’s end. But first: Hot off last year’s Alone in the Dark, which cast Tara Reid as an archaeologist, Boll’s already back with another turkey, BloodRayne, which sluggishly trails a half-human, half-vampire named Rayne (T3’s Kristanna Loken) through 1700s Transylvania on a quest to stab her evil vampire father, Kagan, with her deadly sword-crutch thingies. Somehow Boll got Ben Kingsley to play Kagan (free trip to Romania?), but, judging from Kagan’s preposterously cheat-edited climactic duel with Rayne, he unfortunately wasn’t quite convincing enough to get Sir Ben to show up for sword training.
As you might expect from any movie that begins with the promise of a ”special appearance by Billy Zane” and features Meat Loaf Aday decked out in a Spinal Tap wig and writhing around with naked women, BloodRayne is ghastly-bad. But not ghastly-bad enough. Like all of Boll’s films, it’s based on a videogame, but would that the movie showed half the pulse of some blippy Xbox brain waster. Instead, Boll’s aesthetic harkens back to lousy ’80s sword-and-sorcery epics, minus most of the laughs. If Dr. Boll — as he’s referred to in the end credits — really is to take the title as a mad scientist of awful cinema, he has to make these movies much worse if they’re going to get any better.