1 Heather Graham’s sitcom, Emily’s Reasons Why Not, pulled after one episode Frankly, we saw this coming. Everyone knows she does her best work on roller skates.
2 My Name Is Earl temporarily shuts down production due to Jason Lee’s chicken pox Not the smartest move. I say, keep the cameras rolling, infect 200 people, put them on the ”list,” and, dude, you’ve just bought yourself nine more seasons’ worth of episodes.
3 Bon Jovi’s plane skids off Ontario runway Slippery when wet, baby. Slippery when wet.
4 Tom Hanks voted America’s favorite movie star in poll Not surprising — he’s America’s Everyman! If every man had a bajillion dollars…and two Oscars…and used to wear fake boobs and a wig.
5 Miss Oklahoma wins Miss America Pageant in Las Vegas The crown came with a $30,000 scholarship.* (*Redeemable in chips only at the International College of Baccarat or One-Armed Bandit University. $30,000 minimum bet required.)
6 Amy Fisher and Buttafuocos to appear on televised reunion Wow, who ever thought this threesome would end up together again? Although threesome probably isn’t the best choice of words.
7 Gone With the Wind on DVD It has a commentary track, because clearly we all have the time to sit through this twice.
8 Big Momma’s House 2 opens in theaters Honestly, that’s one of the most depressing things I’ve ever written. (Although item No. 6 is pretty damn close.)
9 Seahawks vs. Steelers in Super Bowl Mike Holmgren and Bill Cowher compete for ugliest mustache. Jason Lee judges.
10 Survivor: Panama — Exile Island premieres I’m sure I’d have some sort of snarky comment to make…if abject humiliation did not follow in exactly 33 pages.