Entertainment Weekly’s Michael Slezak offered his insights live from New York on TV Guide Channel’s red-carpet coverage (starring Joan and Melissa Rivers):
6:08 p.m. And she’s off and running! Joan rails against Rachel Weisz’s ”stupid pig publicity girl” for convincing the Best Supporting Actress nominee to skip the requisite TV Guide Channel interview.
6:13 p.m. “It’s all about writers!” shrieks Joan, after interviewing nominated scribes from A History of Violence and Crash. Somewhere Rachel Weisz’s ”stupid pig publicity girl” is laughing.
6:20 p.m. How charming is Junebug’s Amy Adams, excitedly showing off the pockets in her Carolina Herrera dress and using the phrase ”yes, ma’am” to address Joan.
6:23 p.m. Melissa declares pregnant Rachel Weisz is the front-runner for Best Supporting Actress because Academy members want to see her water break when she hears her name called. Nice.
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6:34 p.m. Just wondering: Any of you actually planning to text-message a vote in Verizon’s ”sexiest female nominee” contest?
6:36 p.m. Joan introduces bionic thespian Lee Majors as Brokeback Mountain screenwriter Larry McMurtry. ”Thank you for making me look like an a–,” she says, craftily trying to misplace the blame.
6:37 p.m. Melissa announces TV Guide Channel is employing a ”cleavage cam” to help determine the winner of oscar’s ”best rack” and ”best a–” awards.
6:42 p.m. Gary Busey tries his hand at comedy. ”What is a smart blonde?” he asks Joan. Answer: ”A golden retriever.”
6:43 p.m. Wait a second. Why is Gary Busey at the Oscars?
6:48 p.m. Matt Dillon’s wearing a classic bow tie and tux because that’s what Sinatra would’ve done. Fair enough.
6:50 p.m. Cohost Greg Proops spots Jack Nicholson on the red carpet and declares he’s accompanied by Croatian teenagers ”Svenga” and “Timby,” who’ve never seen TV or electricity. We’ve either just heard the first nominee for the night’s lamest joke, or a peculiar news tidbit that requires a lot more explanation.
6:54 p.m. ”You’ve known me since I was a B-cup!” Dolly Parton tells Joan. How come no one’s ever offered her a job doing red-carpet interviews?
6:55 p.m. Capote director Bennett Miller says his next project might be The Joan Rivers Story. Seriously, that’d be kind of awesome.
6:58 p.m. I wonder if the network brass ever bother to reprimand Joan for her unsavory one-liners, like telling George Clooney she’s sure he’ll be taking home ”a little gold person – and it’s not Jackie Chan.”
7:01 p.m. Another half-hour to go? I think I just experienced a pang of longing for Ryan Seacrest.
7:28 p.m. Joan, talking to Steve Carell about his recent string of successes, declares, ”All this because you weren’t the best-looking kid in the class!” She’s lucky his wife Nancy Walls doesn’t slap her.
7:30 p.m. The shame spiral continues: Joan jokes with Will Smith about having had a previous romantic relationship with his mother-in-law.
7:31 p.m. Okay, where’s the dude with the hook? Joan’s telling Ludacris she always thought hip-hop was going to be ”a fad that would come and go.”
7:32 p.m. Well, it’s not the hook, but Team Rivers is calling it a day. What can we look for in their day-after Oscar coverage? ”It’s gonna be about racks and a–es. The usual stuff that we teach our children,” Joan screeches. Sounds like must-see TV to me.