THE JAMES FREY AWARD
goes to Charlize Theron, for asking pointedly ”What is truth, what is fiction, and what is memoir?” in her Best Documentary presentation.
THE JACK MAKES HIS OWN DAMNED PHONICS AWARD
goes to Jack Nicholson, for his novel pronunciation of ”Cah-poh-tay.”
THE ”WHO KNEW KERMIT WAS SO FREAKY?” AWARD
goes to Joaquin Phoenix, who mouthed to the camera, ”I love you, frog-on-my-head.” Or something. If not, our apologies to Miss Piggy for any domestic unrest.
THE STRANGE BEDFELLOWS AWARD
goes to the biopic montage that honored folk murderer Clyde Barrow and ascetic altruist Mahatma Gandhi in the same one-minute span.
THE PART OF THE SOLUTION AWARD
goes to Samuel L. Jackson, who said, ”Hollywood has never been afraid to challenge our beliefs,” knowing that soon, very soon, Hollywood will break yet another social barrier and put snakes on a plane.
BEST HALLMARK CARD SPEECH
Sid Ganis, president of the Academy, actually said: ”State-of-the-art technology will change, but state-of-the-heart storytelling will always be the same.”
BEST IMPROBABLE PRODUCT PLACEMENT
Dolly Parton, for getting in a Dollywood plug while singing a song she wrote for a movie about a pre-op transsexual.
THE HONEYMOON IS OVER AWARD
goes to subsiding comedy sensation Will Ferrell, whose name was misspelled on the video marquee.
BEST SHOUT-OUT YOU NEVER THOUGHT YOU’D HEAR
Three 6 Mafia’s big ups to Oscar producer Gil Cates.
BEST DODGING OF A BULLET
Steven Spielberg, who looked both guilty and relieved when costume winner Colleen Atwood praised Memoirs of a Geisha director Rob Marshall, who took over the project after Spielberg bowed out.
Jennifer Lopez, Marc Anthony, and Salma Hayek were all seated in the same muy caliente row. Penélope Cruz was apparently not in la casa.
THE ”WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN?” AWARD
goes to Keanu Reeves, who, after Rachel Weisz’s Oscar, is now the only member of the Chain Reaction cast to not have a statuette. (Morgan Freeman got his last year.)
THE ”WHERE AM I?” AWARD
goes to Morgan Freeman, who was standing in the wings when his French March of the Penguins collaborators ascended the stage. Apparently, no one was allowed to accept a statue without a stuffed penguin, and Freeman’s had already gone home with Jessica Alba.
THE INVISIBLE MAN AWARD
goes to Andy ”Heart of Kong” Serkis, who was mentioned by virtually every King Kong technical-award winner.
THE GOOD SPORT AWARD
goes to oft-snubbed Paul Giamatti, for just showing up. We’re pretty sure that was his car they set on fire for the Crash song.
THE GOOD FOR WICCANS, BAD FOR FEMALE DOGS AWARD
goes to whoever sanitized ”It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp,” subbing in witches as a rhyming alternative.