1 That ’70s Show ends Ambient Kutcher levels slowly return to normal.
2 Wayne Newton replaced as Vegas headliner by Toni Braxton Not since the Sizzlean Incident of ‘84 have we seen such a shake-up in the ham industry.
3 Donald Trump is turning 60 Fun fact: In even-numbered years, his hair must take a human life to survive.
4 Prince is voted ”Sexiest Vegetarian” It is rumored he can seduce an ear of corn by simply looking at it.
5 E!’s Dr. 90210 restrains unruly air passenger He held down the elderly man and administered emergency breast implants.
6 Sidney Poitier is dubbed a ”Commander” by France’s Order of Arts and Letters Instantly making him France’s most battle-hardened officer.
7 Lennox Lewis enters chess tournament Meanwhile, Mike Tyson is still looking for someone to play Stratego with.
8 Lost to release action figures Your kids’ll enjoy hours of watching them sit around their Hatch play set, having moving flashbacks.
9 Tommy Hilfiger and Axl Rose brawl at Rosario Dawson’s birthday party But they forgot the whipped cream. Next year, Rosario’s just hiring pros.
10 Congress ups indecency fines Hope you enjoyed that last item, because a Senate subcommittee just confiscated my left kidney.